I don't mind telling you I'm exhausted. I'm hours away from my first proper holiday in two years and I feel like I'm now crawling on my hands and knees towards the point that I can put my pen down and call it quits for a couple of weeks. Maybe if I got up I'd be able to type faster.
What's making the exhaustion worse is the increasing number of sleepless nights I've been having recently. It seems that the baby is getting me in practice now for coping on only three hours' continuous sleep in any one go. I also can't stop myself from getting up in the middle of the night and surfing the t'internet for new stuff, because guess what...WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!
Yes folks, the great news is that the 20 week scan last week, at 23 weeks and 3 days to be precise, went brilliantly well. The baby is very healthy, active and a g / b... yes we do know the sex, but I think we'll keep that one to ourselves until the big day ;-).
The scan, if you're about to have yours, was amazing. Obviously we were very lucky to hear only good news. The level of detail was stunning, and it was so thrilling to hear the sonographer say that all the bits and pieces were in the right order. There's no detectable spina bifida, Downs, brain, heart, spine or other vital organ problems, and there are 10 fingers and 10 toes.
"No club foot," she said at one point, and we hadn't even thought of that one! I felt like getting a badge with "no club foot" on it.
Now, I would have loved this baby even if it had problems, and I am mindful that some parents reading this will be loving and caring for a child with difficulties. But to know that the baby is developing so well is without doubt the best news I've heard in my life.
This baby was a total miracle to begin with - a surprise conception in the first month of ditching the contraception after two years of hearing from experts what a fertility challenge I could look forward to, due to extra-low ovarian reserve for my 37 years.
Because the pregnancy is such a surprise, nay shock, I've found it very difficult to believe that it wouldn't all be taken away from me again. Of course, we're not out of the woods yet (as a parent do you ever feel out of the woods?), but right now I feel immense relief that our baby seems to be here to stay (touch wood) and even a little bit of pride that all three of us are doing so well.
I feel one other thing too - love. Love on an overpowering, reduce me to tears, scale. I love this baby that I've yet to meet but feel with me every hour of the day with a depth I can only just about comprehend. It takes my breath away. How to describe it? I'm not sure I can yet, but I plan to sit outside a French cafe for the next two weeks contemplating exactly how one regularly paddle-less ordinary girl got so lucky. See you in September!
(PS: Baby, I love you.)