Achtung Baby Or Cool Insults

10/08/2010 16:20 | Updated 22 May 2015

Believe it or not Germans have it in the bag when it comes to jocular insults. Pleasingly, the type I'm talking about are usually reserved for friends and/or relatives and are meant as good natured witticisms. Apparently the now classic that started the banter ball rolling is "Weicheier". The literal meaning, soft boiled egg, but those who read my blog "Blow your Eggs!" will know it can also be interpreted as "soft testicles".

Though I must admit to some confusion as to why that would be classed a problem.

Since then, the German language has joined the Defamation of Character Premier League. In true German style these choice words are usually at least a couple of meters long. For example, Teletubbiezurückwinker or, person who waves back at the Telletubbies! Yes there is a word for that and you don't want to be called it do you?. Or how about Vorwärtseinparker, person unable to reverse into a parking space. Yup, there's a word for that too. Pudelföner, he who blow dries his poodle with a hair-dryer and my personal favorite, Ohnekleingeldamparkscheinautomatensteher or, person who stands at the pay and display without any small change.

You have to love a language with a word like that!Germans are nothing if not inventive and no sooner does the abuse find its rhythm, modifications start gathering momentum. You pretty much have free rein and the beauty of long compact nouns means you can let your imagination run amok. I come up with new English ones on a daily basis. Hewhobuttonsupdenimjacket, hewhosaysthat'stypicalvirgo and hewhothinkssarahpalintalkssense being just three from a list I add to on a daily basis.

Finje, who still only manages to come out with a complete and correct English sentence about once a fortnight, stunned us yesterday at the swimming pool.

I remember a school trip to Germany. I`d be around fourteen. We went to an indoor pool and were forced by German Pool Rules to wear those atrocious skin tight rubber swimming caps. They insisted it was for reasons of hygiene, I insist it was simple sadism. We weren't swimming the damn channel. Thank goodness they are over that particular fetish but some stalwarts still wear them and by way of accessorizing add a pair of rubber flip flops...hygiene reasons of course. I must admit to mutterings of how pathetic I find it but I had no idea Finje had taken the slightest bit of notice. Mumfail.

Walking through the changing rooms, we found ourselves behind such a specimen of asepsis. Finje muttered (thankfully) in English (thankfully), and apparently to no one but herself, "Oh another hewhowearsstickyhatfornoreason".

Proud mother.

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