Funny Valentine Gifts
How would you like your eggs, dear? Penis-shaped, please, love! We're more likely to utter those words than we are of winning the lottery. So, here's a warning to all you boys out there: if you bring this home for us on Valentine's Day, we'll put your appendage in it and cook that up for breakfast, instead!
Willy Egg Fryer, annsummers.com, £4
Forget Lola's Kitchen or Peggy Porschen, what we're really looking for this Valentine's Day is Greggs' specially-created Valentine's fairy buns.
Valentine's fairy buns, greggs.co.uk, £xx
Sexy lingerie - think anything crotchless, PVC, or latex - is always a winner. And we'd also love to receive heart-shaped novelty knickers that make us look ready to star in our very own homemade porno. In. Your. Dreams!
Heart shape thong, amazon.co.uk, £8.99
Honestly, no, we can't... you shouldn't have! A set of love stacking rings from Argos was the top of our wish list - how did you know? Second on the list was an engagement ring from Elizabeth Duke. Maybe next year if we're lucky...
Sterling silver love stacker rings and earring set, argos.co.uk, £19.99
We've got to hand the award for most romantic present to be found in a Valentine's Gifts for Her section to... Sainsbury's, for their very seductive suggestion of an Oral B electric toothbrush. What a great day to tell your girlfriend she's got bad breath!
Oral B professional care 5000 electric toothbrush, sainsburys.co.uk, £156.59
We get it... you want us to wear this for you, before we lie back and let you eat it off us. Well, the only thing we'll get out of this present is the sweets, so we'll be damned if we're gonna let you munch it all. Also available in stunning nipple tassels...
Candy bra, prezzybox.com, £5.95
When we dream of breakfast in bed, we fantasise about Champagne, fresh fruit croissants, perfectly cooked eggs (you get the picture). But Asda have gone one better, and in their Valentine's breakfast in bed section, have got a brilliant offer on Kingsmill crumpets - you can pick up three packets for £2. Hold us back!
Kingsmill crumpets, greggs.co.uk, £67p each
There's nothing we like better than waking up on Valentine's Day, and being called 'fanny face'. Well, find-me-a-gift.co.uk have sorted it so that you can be permanently reminded of your nickname - every time you have a shower! Other gems in their Valentine's gifts section include the gorgeous Kiss My Arse toilet roll - loo paper covered in lipstick kisses (on sale for £1.49). We can't think of anything more romantic.
Fanny face towel, find-me-a-gift.co.uk, £12.99
Nevermind a trip to Paris or Rome, we'd be over the moon with Ryanair's special Valentine's Day gift vouchers for £25. Maybe in five years' time we'll be able to actually go somewhere.
Ryanair Valentine's Day gift vouchers, ryanair.com. start from £25
Enjoy the ultimate dining experience with a night out at... Ikea. Yes, you read that right. The Swedish furniture store - famed for its blissful shopping expeditions (couples never argue here) - is offering a special three-course Valentine's Day meal, consisting of a smoked salmon starter, followed by a beef stroganoff main, and a dessert of tiramisu. Looks mouth-watering, doesn't it?
Ikea Valentine's meal, ikea.com, £6.95