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The Valentine's Day Gifts That We Don't Want

11/02/2011 16:55 | Updated 22 May 2015
Forget being whisked off to Paris for the weekend, what we're really after is a willy egg fryer and an electric toothbrush. Check out our top ten most criminal Valentine's gift ideas here...
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Funny Valentine Gifts

How would you like your eggs, dear? Penis-shaped, please, love! We're more likely to utter those words than we are of winning the lottery. So, here's a warning to all you boys out there: if you bring this home for us on Valentine's Day, we'll put your appendage in it and cook that up for breakfast, instead!

Willy Egg Fryer, annsummers.com, £4

Funny Valentine Gifts

Forget Lola's Kitchen or Peggy Porschen, what we're really looking for this Valentine's Day is Greggs' specially-created Valentine's fairy buns.

Valentine's fairy buns, greggs.co.uk, £xx

Funny Valentine Gifts

Sexy lingerie - think anything crotchless, PVC, or latex - is always a winner. And we'd also love to receive heart-shaped novelty knickers that make us look ready to star in our very own homemade porno. In. Your. Dreams!

Heart shape thong, amazon.co.uk, £8.99

Funny Valentine Gifts

Honestly, no, we can't... you shouldn't have! A set of love stacking rings from Argos was the top of our wish list - how did you know? Second on the list was an engagement ring from Elizabeth Duke. Maybe next year if we're lucky...

Sterling silver love stacker rings and earring set, argos.co.uk, £19.99

Funny Valentine Gifts

We've got to hand the award for most romantic present to be found in a Valentine's Gifts for Her section to... Sainsbury's, for their very seductive suggestion of an Oral B electric toothbrush. What a great day to tell your girlfriend she's got bad breath!

Oral B professional care 5000 electric toothbrush, sainsburys.co.uk, £156.59

Funny Valentine Gifts

We get it... you want us to wear this for you, before we lie back and let you eat it off us. Well, the only thing we'll get out of this present is the sweets, so we'll be damned if we're gonna let you munch it all. Also available in stunning nipple tassels...

Candy bra, prezzybox.com, £5.95

Funny Valentine Gifts

When we dream of breakfast in bed, we fantasise about Champagne, fresh fruit croissants, perfectly cooked eggs (you get the picture). But Asda have gone one better, and in their Valentine's breakfast in bed section, have got a brilliant offer on Kingsmill crumpets - you can pick up three packets for £2. Hold us back!

Kingsmill crumpets, greggs.co.uk, £67p each

Funny Valentine Gifts

There's nothing we like better than waking up on Valentine's Day, and being called 'fanny face'. Well, find-me-a-gift.co.uk have sorted it so that you can be permanently reminded of your nickname - every time you have a shower! Other gems in their Valentine's gifts section include the gorgeous Kiss My Arse toilet roll - loo paper covered in lipstick kisses (on sale for £1.49). We can't think of anything more romantic.

Fanny face towel, find-me-a-gift.co.uk, £12.99

Funny Valentine Gifts

Nevermind a trip to Paris or Rome, we'd be over the moon with Ryanair's special Valentine's Day gift vouchers for £25. Maybe in five years' time we'll be able to actually go somewhere.

Ryanair Valentine's Day gift vouchers, ryanair.com. start from £25

Funny Valentine Gifts

Enjoy the ultimate dining experience with a night out at... Ikea. Yes, you read that right. The Swedish furniture store - famed for its blissful shopping expeditions (couples never argue here) - is offering a special three-course Valentine's Day meal, consisting of a smoked salmon starter, followed by a beef stroganoff main, and a dessert of tiramisu. Looks mouth-watering, doesn't it?

Ikea Valentine's meal, ikea.com, £6.95

Funny Valentine Gifts

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