"Michael Jackson's dead" said my boyfriend, as he struggled to open his eyes in bed last Friday morning. As he'd not moved a muscle since 10 hours previously, when Michael Jackson definitely wasn't dead, the only sane reply I could muster was "what, in your dream?". After all, this is the man who fights bears and goes on tour with AC/DC while I sleep.
But Michael Jackson was dead, as you'll hopefully know by now. (Motherhood can't possibly be that all-embracing can it, that you wouldn't know the King of Pop was no longer? Oh Gawd, is it)
I can think of no other more fitting tribute to the legend that was Mike than to name your 2009 newborn after him, or a name inspired by him. A framed commemorative tea-towel comes a close second.
Here, in this box-fresh instalment of the Totally Honest Guide To Baby Names, are my ideas for names inspired by Michael Jackson:
Michael - After the owner of his favourite kebab van, Mike "Micky" Jones. Not really! After the King of Pop himself, silly.
Prince - Michael has three kids, two of them called Prince, or possibly Prince Michael. Is Prince just like Sir or Mr or Dude? You choose. I, for one, have Princess Sarah on the list, for my first two, whether they're boys or girls.
Blanket - Possibly because of the confusion of having two kids called Prince Michael, one of them goes by the alternative name of Blanket. Yes, that's right, Blanket. How come nobody around Michael thought to suggest that's a little odd? I mean, who uses blankets these days?
Paris Michael Katherine - Michael's daughter, inspired by Paris Hilton. Probably.
Sheena - Didn't Sheena Easton have a fling with Michael? Oh no, that was Prince.
Lisa Marie - Michael definitely did marry Elvis's daughter in 1994.
Deborah - Fancy naming your child after Michael's second wife, dermatologist nurse Deborah Jeanne Rowe? Go right ahead, you oddball.
Billie Jean - She wasn't Michael's lover, though you can't believe everything he said. He once told us he slept in a hyperbolic chamber to slow down the ageing process.
Diana - After Diana Ross, the surprise second-in-line guardian of Michael's kids.
Elizabeth - After his best-friend Elizabeth Taylor.
Liza - After his other best-friend, Liza Minnelli.
Macaulay - After his other other best-friend, Macaulay Culkin. Blimey, this chap had a lot of best-friends. Wasn't there a monkey involved at some stage?
Bubbles - That was the monkey wasn't it? Good for curly-haired kids.
Joe - His dad's name.
Katherine - His mum's name.
Rebbie - Brother number one, though I've never heard of him.
Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, Marlon, Randy and Janet - The other siblings. So how come it was only the Jackson Five?
Quincy - After iconic music producer Quincy Jones, who produced Off The Wall.
Stephen - After Jacko's plastic surgeon Dr Stephen Hoefflin, though you might not want to admit that.
Gary - Michael was born in Gary, Indiana, though when I first read that I thought it said "Michael was born Gary". Gary Jackson, it doesn't quite have the same ring does it? Surely he'd have become a car mechanic.
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