God Gave Rock And Roll To You - But Not Your Baby

20/03/2011 00:04 | Updated 22 May 2015

I like Tico Torres, the compact, slightly rotund, but undeniably sexy Bon Jovi drummer. I like his swarthy, brooding, south American rock star looks. I like the slight look of danger and badness in his glinting dark brown eyes, and I like his sweaty, oh-so-rock n roll on-stage persona.

Which are probably all good reasons why I do not want to imagine Tico Torres, Designer of Baby Clothes and Accessories. But sadly for me, this rather lush specimen of rock god-ness is the latest celeb to come up with a clothing line for tots.

'Rock Star Baby' – motto: 'Traditional values with a rock 'n' roll edge' – apparently came about because 'Tico found that even the babies of hip parents had the same clothes and accessories as every one else and knowing that not everyone wanted the usual pastel baby colours and styles, soon after, Rockstar Baby was born!'

Oh dear. Let me wipe some pastel hued vomit from my mouth and immediately pray to the Patron Saint of Towelling Babygros. Babies, Tico, are not rock stars. And they are not mini adults. And parents who want to dress their kids as either, really need to wake up and smell the baby poo. Newborns are messy, wriggly, expectant little things, if you didn't already know. They generally have something pouring from one orifice or another at all times, and their clothes need to reflect this. But they are also tiny, unsullied, box fresh innocents. Why the need to dress them as 56-year-old men? (If indeed we are going to emulate the lovely Tico?) When my son was but days old, a clutch of well meaning relatives arrived with baby gifts. They sat expectantly as I unwrapped present after present and feigned pleasure over the newborn sized jeans, slogan sweatshirts and logo emblazoned T-shirts that were mounting up on my my living room rug. The following day I returned them all to their respective stores and swapped them for packs of towelling babygros. In fact, I was so angered by the whole notion of baby jeans that my son did not own a pair of denims until he was six. And, in the intervening years, any clothing gifts bearing slogans (Bad Ass! Babe Magnet! Little Monster!) were all swiftly exchanged for something more appropriate and less demeaning to its wearer, because my son was most definitely not a bad ass, or a baby magnet, and I didn't really want him outwardly labelled as a little monster, either. Perhaps I was somewhat old fashioned and out of touch in my views, but I didn't - and indeed still don't - want to see babies dressed like little adults, no more than I want to see six-year-old girls in padded bikinis, sparkly heeled mules and slicking on lip-gloss. Their childhoods – and in particular babyhoods – are short enough, without having the process escalated, in appearance terms at least, via their clothes. And surely it's far more comfortable for baby, not to mention more practical for mum and dad, to dress them in stretchy sleepsuits and Granny's lovingly hand knitted cardies, rather than three layers of high fashion, topped off by must-have accessories? (take note, Tico Torres and your Rock Star Baby Tattoo Pirate Dummy). But really, it's all about the parent living vicariously though their offspring isn't it, and buying into a perceived lifestyle? Dressing your baby in an attention seeking manner is just another way to say 'Look at me!' 'Look how wealthy and stylish I am!' Which is probably fine if you're the drummer with Bon Jovi, but just laughable when you're a harassed mum hauling a screaming, vomiting, red faced, Bad Ass newborn down the aisles in Asda...

What do you think?

Do you dress your newborn as a mini-me or in celeb clothing ranges? Or is it sleepsuits and hand-knits all the way?

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