Achtung Baby Or Penis Envy

24/03/2011 12:08 | Updated 22 May 2015

Finje is currently experiencing penis envy!

The German word for penis, disappointingly, is Penis, a minor difference in pronunciation too slight to make it unrecognizable. The capital "P" afforded to all German nouns, whilst giving it more gravitas, doesn't alter the intonation.

My daughter has recently been requesting a male appendage. And she's not particular about where she blurts out her desire for a sex change. The supermarket, chemist, kindergarten, and recently whilst standing in the queue in the post office.

I don't embarrass easily. I'm comfortable addressing all her questions regardless of where she decides to pose them. Admittedly, I have on occasion, switched from English to German in public places. This I do in order for the poor unassuming folk in the immediate vicinity to know I m at least putting due diligence into my answers.

A couple of days ago the issue raised itself (excuse the pun!) to a whole new level. She'd been playing upstairs for some time with her friend Marc. The two of them appeared in the kitchen demanding that I "make" a penis for Finje. They seemed to think I should be able to whip up a penis (!) just like that.

Marc, demonstrating true German characteristics, had been very efficient and provided me with a square of pink paper, scissors, sellotape and interestingly a purple felt tip pen!

Making a mental note to myself to have a chat about the wonders of the female form with my daughter, I told the kids my time management plan for the day didn't include genital handicrafts.

Seemingly unperturbed, they toddled off back upstairs. I continued to peel potatoes because, yes, my life is that rock and roll.

Around 10 minutes later, Finje and Marc appeared again. I would post a photograph of my daughter as she introduced herself to me but I fear my editor would not allow it. Liberal though I am, frankly I wouldn't blame her.

Finje, not to be discouraged, had taken things into her own hands (sorry) and "built" herself a penis. Stood in the kitchen, tights and knickers around her knees, she had sellotaped a purple crayon to her pubic bone and was waggling said appendage, clearly satisfied with the results of her labour.

"Righty-oh" I said, and before I could gather my thoughts for something more situation appropriate, Marc announced that maybe he would like to be girl.

I confiscated the scissors.

Catch up on previous award-winning Achtung Baby columns here


Achtung Baby
Suggest a correction