PARENTS

The Semi-Detached Parent: Things I Hate About Men

20/05/2011 13:11 | Updated 22 May 2015
The Semi-Detached Parent: Things I hate about men PA

Last week, I listed all the good things about living without a man. This week, I feel I should probably make it clear I do actually like men. Very much (often too much after three glasses of Prosecco). I just don't like them in my house, touching my things. Or Dictating. Directing. Demanding.

But there are other things that really annoy me too; call me shallow, but I once had to ditch a suitor whose laugh embarrassed me SO much that in company I'd silently pray no one cracked a joke lest he let out his mortifying, high pitched whinny.

Then there was the guy who I adored until I walked behind him one day and noted a most unappealing gait; my mother would have referred to it as a flicky leg. Whatever the terminology, it was enough to make me call time on the relationship.

Flicky legs and silly laughs aside, I started making a list of all the things that put me off in a relationship. And because I don't want to totally take the flack for being a man hater/ball breaker/total bitch, I asked for contributions from all my friends (including a close gay pal). Here's what WE (please note the WE and don't shoot the messenger) came up with:

Nose picking

Clingyness

Smelly feet

Heavy drinking

Long fingernails

Dubious personal hygiene

Bad teeth

Bad shoes

Gag worthy aftershave

Wearing jewellery

Having beards/moustaches with bogeys/food stuck in them

Being too self conscious

Having no sense of humour

Being too nice

Having a high pitched voice

Laughing at unfunny jokes

Talking just about themselves

Bad table manners

White Y-fronts

Men who look other women up and down when you're out with them

Long hair in a pony tail

Nostrils. Huge, in your face nostrils

Weak eyebrows

Bad tattoos

Hairy backs, nostrils and ears

Men that hack up and spit

Those who leave your bathroom like a pub urinal

Men who grope like school boys

Liars

Men who giggle like girls

Vanity

Fans of girly sports like ice skating and table tennis

Wearers of cheap shoes

Tories

Wearers of trainers or coloured shoes

Rubbish DIY skills

Liking only 'the early stuff' when it comes to music

Weediness

Limp handshakes

Laziness

Reading Jeffrey Archer or John Grisham novels

Reading 'girls' books

Constant tiredness and falling asleep

Dyed hair

The wearing of vests as outerwear

Going topless in public in the summer

Still following the same bands in their 30/40/50s that they did as teens - and with the same level of enthusiasm

Men who are comfortable in lingerie depts and try to talk knowledgeably about women's undies (spew inducing)

Men who use terms like 'panties' and 'titties'

(One of the best comments came from my friend Cath, who said:

"I have a friend who went off her boyf because of the shorts he wore on holiday."

I can SO relate to that.)

Any more for any more? Or are we just a load of man-hating old trogs?

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