Dr Ozzy: 'I'm More Likely To Bite The Head Off A Lettuce These Days' (INTERVIEW)
What becomes of our rock and roll heroes? Some die young and remain as we remember them forever, others grow old and end up selling us car insurance - but only one so far has found a new career as a doctor (well, sort of...).
Step forward Black Sabbath legend Ozzy Osbourne, who as well as starring in a reality TV show and releasing a brilliant autobiography (2010's I Am Ozzy) has used his rock retirement to reinvent himself as a medical adviser, culminating in this Christmas' must-have celebrity book Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy.
He might not have the exact qualifications, but after surviving 40 years of relentless rock n roll debauchery we figured Dr Ozzy must have a thing or two to teach us about growing old in good health... (WARNING: Contains bad language. Naturally).
Ozzy - we all know about the bat incident - but is there any animal you definitely would not consider eating?
Actually I don't eat much meat at all these days: I'm more likely to bite the head off a f**king lettuce than a bat - or any other animal for that matter. That's what happens when you get to the age of 62: you order a medium-rare steak, and you can't shit for a week, man. Pills don't solve the problem, either. You'd need a couple of sticks of dynamite to unclog the Prince of Darkness after a plate of ribeye.
Moisturizers... waxing kits... how much male grooming is 'too much' in your experience?
I recommend that all blokes wear a bit of moisturiser every day, 'cos if you don't, you'll end up looking an extra from Lord of the f**king Rings by the time you're 50. This is the basic stuff you get from the chemists that I'm talking about - not that 800 quid-a-jar b******s, made out of unicorn w**k or whatever. Anything beyond that is too much for me, to be honest with you. I mean, waxing? F**k off.
In recent months we've noticed the first signs of a slight 'podge' emerge. Any tips on how to nip this in the bud?
Eat less. I've tried every fad diet in the book, and they all have one thing in common: THEY DON'T F**KING WORK. If you eat at home, trying buying smaller plates. And of course you've gotta exercise - a 30-minute walk every day should take care of that. Obviously it goes without saying that if you're pouring banana-pineapple martinis down your throat every night, you've gotta cut that out, too.
You've encountered a lot of doctors over the years - what makes a good one, and what makes a medic to avoid?
A good doctor gives you drugs, no questions asked... they're also the ones to avoid.
Most people just want to look good naked. As someone who now exercises regularly, what form of workout would you recommend?
Headbanging. Just make sure to warm-up to some Phil Collins before you put on the Goatwhore.
Do people really care if you have a six pack or not?
Dr. Ozzy's advice? Stick to the girls who care more about the other kind of sixpack - the kind that gets you p***ed. Trust me, you'll have more fun.
Have you ever pulled a 'sickie', and if so, what line did you use?
I once shaved my head to try and get out of a gig. Sharon just frog-marched me down the local costume shop and bought me a f**king wig. I was so p***ed off, I put a little capsule of fake blood under it, then half way through the show, pretended to scalp myself. This wasn't long after the bat-biting thing, and all these girls in the front row started to scream, 'Oh my God, he really is crazy!' and passed out. Hilarious, man.
Many men your age are bald or getting receding hairlines, whereas you still have a beautiful head of hair. Is it real, and if so, any hair care treatments you recommend?
It's all real - I'm very lucky to have been blessed with good hair genes. If it's thinning or receding, my advice is to shave it all off, man. It's a battle you can't win, unless you've got a serious amount of time and dough to throw at the problem.
In today's stressful world, many people encounter anxiety and panic attacks. Have you ever encountered this problem? What did you do?
Sounds familiar. If it were me in my drinking days, I'd have just had another pint. As far as I was concerned, another pint could cure f**king anything. Which explains why I had a hangover that lasted 40 years.
Finally - you were born in Birmingham but now you live in America. Do you think leaving Britain behind has helped you stay fit?
I still have a place in England, and I spend a lot of time there, so the contrast with LA - where everyone's trying to live forever - is un-f**king-believable, man. It's all about finding a balance, if you ask me. You don't want to kill yourself to have a good time, like a lot of people do in England. But you also don't want to try so hard to live forever that you forget how to f**king live.
Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy is out now and can be purchased on Amazon. The 'Ask Dr Ozzy' column appears every week in The Sunday Times Magazine and in selected issues of Rolling Stone.