Don't kid yourself that he's planned your Valentine's date months in advance. With the official day of love falling on a passion-killing Monday, we're imagining he might need all the help he can get. Simply point him in the direction of our pick of the best alternative, last-minute Valentine's date suggestions. It's too late in the day to be subtle.
Last Minute Valentine Gifts
It may have ended in a beheading (don't all the best romances?) but even Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII had a honeymoon period. Listen to Anne Boleyn's tear-jerker of a love letter, written from the Tower of London in a last ditch attempt to appeal to her husband's rational side. Read by actress Lucy-Anne Holmes as part of the Bloomsbury Street Hotel's Book Bytes series, the letters can be downloaded to hear at home, or listened to while curled up in a (Queen) room in the hotel itself. If you're struggling to find the romantic connection with the portly king, just keep picturing Jonathan Rhys Meyers; that should do the trick.
Bitter, broken hearted? You may be single but just be thankful you weren't an 18th century harlot with a client called Jack. Take a stroll around East London's famous murderous alleyways, plague pits and body-snatching hot spots with the Valentine's Massacre: Spooky Smithfield Tour, the route having been suitably selected for the day of love. Who says romance was dead?
Because nothing quite says I love you like sitting in silence next to your partner for two hours eating nachos, a cinema date is always a winner. In Cardiff, Chapter Arts are screening Breakfast at Tiffany's (if he loves you he will take you), the Watershed in Bristol gets all psychotic with Fatal Attraction and those with a guilty conscience may want to avoid the BFI London's screening of François Truffaut's sultry classic of an extra-marital affair in Silken Skin.
When you've put it out there that you're In a Relationship and Facebook has pronounced you Off The Shelf, what better way to cement your fledgling romance than with a Couples Only Photoshoot? An all female cast will direct you and your partner through a series of poses designed to flatter. It's all fairly subtle and suggestive, but you know those special family album shots you always think you'll show the grandkids? Well, these probably aren't them.
Groping around in the dark may all sound like good fun, but when you've got a knife and fork in your hand it's best to err on the side of caution. London's dining-in-the-dark, Dans Le Noir restaurant is a strictly lights off affair and their Valentine's menu is also suitably aphrodisiac.
Play Guess Who at Glasgow's decadent masked ball affair run by the good people behind Club Noir. Burlesque, freak show fabulousness, vintage vaudeville, femme fatales, jitterbugs and champagne saucers. Dress to impress: arrive as someone else, leave with someone else.
Pour your bleeding heart out at the Hunterian Museum, who will be attempting to mend broken hearts with their night of anti-Valentine's catharsis. With a talk on Syphilis entitled One night with Venus, a lifetime with Mercury and the opportunity to 'pickle a part',we literally can't think of a way we'd rather spend Monday night.
How does an evening of Love, Lust and Longing sound? Get ready for a bedtime story at one of London's best boutique hotels – the boudoir-esque 40 Winks in Stepney Green is the fashion world's best kept secret – an intimate guest house, where your host is interior designer David Carter. On the 11 February, book your place on their Bedtime Stories event where romantic story-telling, performance theatre and music await. The dress code: strictly jim-jams.
Sometimes, the only way to get the message across is to drag your other half to Bath's Fashion Museum, stand him or her in front of a glass cabinet of very fine wedding dresses, on Valentine's Day, and point at the ones you like. If this subtle approach fails, cut your losses and go for Afternoon Tea with Mr Darcy instead.
Get your vintage on for a twilight voyage on the PS Elizabethan, which will become a den of glamorous iniquity as she sets sail along the Thames; re-christened the Steamboat Bordello for the night. A little jazz, a little swing, a little prohibition gambling, a little moonshine, and a lot of style (think Boardwalk Empire flapper dresses and House of Eliott finger waves). It's like a Poirot fantasy, but without the murder mystery. And with more pearls.