A is for the Art of Seduction
You've been together for longer than you care to remember and marital relations have taken a dip. To relight that fire, you need to relearn the art of seduction. So why not scatter your used Veet waxing strips up the stairs just before your husband gets home, pointing the way to the bedroom? Then, when he finds you all smooth and lovely on the bed, heaven awaits. He'll probably have to wipe the dribble off your face if you accidentally have a nap but that's OK, your 'come to bed' pillow creases are very alluring.
B is for Bed
Bed is apparently the place where people have sex. Worth a go if you stay awake long enough.
C is for Communication.
If you don't talk, you can forget intimacy. Listening is the first step towards duvet action - so when your husband gets in and starts talking about his awful day, hear him out before you ask him if he's forgotten yet again to pick up the dry cleaning, it's not as though you ask him to do much and he can't even do one simple thing.
D is for Dark Low lighting can help get you in the mood because it hides your wrinkles, his bald spot and the mess which the kids have made. Achieve this with candles, dimmer switches, blindfolds or sitting in pitch darkness.
E is for Eating
A meal for two can set the love wheels in motion. Aim to do it once the children are tucked up in bed, you've ironed the school uniform, made the packed lunches and wormed the dog... so once you've rustled up a three-course dinner, you will be aiming to sit down together for 10pm for a 20-second scoff-out before you face pasta (the act of collapsing into your tagliatelle).
F is for Flirting
Tease your other half with phone calls during the day, describing what you'd like to do to them when they get home. For example: "Hi sexy, how about we try it on the dining room table tonight? Oh, you're in a meeting and I'm on speaker-phone..."
G is for Garden Embrace the outdoors for an al fresco thrill. Just make sure you wear head torches so you don't step on any of the kids' plastic rakes or trip over the trampoline.
H is for Hotel
Try a dirty weekend away. Must include spa treatments, wine, lie-ins, afternoon tea and no suggestion of watching Match of the Day in bed.
I is for Interesting
As in, make an effort. Your husband or wife does not want to hear a) the same old stories or b) how IT solved a technical issue at work last week.
J is for Just A Second
Do not initiate sex then say, "Hang on, I've just got to send an email/make a call/record the game."
K is for Kitchen
Because time is an issue for couples these days, why not kill two birds with one stone by doing it in the kitchen so you can both wipe the surfaces and stack the dirty plates as you go.
L is for Lego
Check all surfaces for bricks because stepping on one will kill the moment. Completely.
M is for Making Love
Never use this phrase. It's creepy. And never stand at the top of the stairs in your underwear doing air guitar while singing 'Feel like making love, da da da, da da da, da da da, Feel like making love'. It's embarrassing.
N is for No
Respect your partner's feelings if they have had a hard day. Especially if you've been drinking and they haven't. A striptease post-booze will always end with the unsexy foot-in-pants topple.
O is for Orgasm
It's OK if you don't. Especially if your kids are light sleepers.
P is for Pouncing
Use the element of surprise to spice things up. Make sure they are alone when they walk through the front door or you may find yourself half-naked before one of his football friends who's popped in before training to see the new extension.
Q is for Quickie
All you can hope for these days because of certain little people and exhaustion.
R is for Romance
Just because you both lead busy lives shouldn't mean the death of romance. Leave little Post-It notes in his briefcase with messages for him to find during the day - such as 'I love you so much, especially when you put the bins out (on a Tuesday, in case you hadn't noticed, they don't put themselves out)' or 'Wait 'til you get home! I've got the financial adviser coming round to sort out our investments'.
S is for Sheets
Men: if you change the sheets without being asked you are guaranteed sex.
T is for Talking Dirty
Pillow talk can work wonders for flagging bodies. Try to stay away from the subject of the mould in the bathroom or the curry stains on that T-shirt.
U is for Underwear Pants with holes in and/or slogans such as 'unleash the dragon' are not conducive to improving one's conjugal chances.
V is for Vasectomy
This could be the only way to achieve regular sex if your wife is fed up after 20 blimming years of being responsible for contraception.
W is for Wet
How about a sly one in the shower before the house has woken up? Make sure you lock the door or you'll end up lying to the children about mummy and daddy having to share because of a water shortage and they'll tell their teachers, who will snigger at home-time.
X is for X-Factor
Never try it on during the X-Factor or you will be killed. Afterwards is the ideal time because she will still be basking in Gary's glow.
Y is for Yawn
Do not read a yawn as a sign of 'how about an early night?'. It hasn't meant that since before you had kids. Sex with an awake person is more fulfilling.
Z is for Zen
Spiritual balance and harmony can be achieved through sex but also through a cuddle and a cuppa. If at first you don't succeed at the first, aim for the second.
Did this ring true for you?
Suggested For You
SUBSCRIBE AND FOLLOW
Get top stories and blog posts emailed to me each day. Newsletters may offer personalized content or advertisements.Learn more