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Premier League And Football's End Of Season Awards: An Alternative List (VIDEO)

14/05/2012 10:18 BST | Updated 14/05/2012 10:27 BST

Football, bloody hell. Sergio Aguero's right foot, Eastlands outdoing the Hacienda and the look on Sir Alex Ferguson and Phil Jones' faces as it dawned on them Manchester City had won the Premier League only led weight to the pandemonium on Sunday 13 May.

The Premier League got better because it got worse this season. In the big games, defending was as absent as Joey Barton's brain cells.

But football is more about goals, and 2011/12 was the season of hipsters, racism, Gary Neville and Twitter outrage.

We now dissect who was Clint Eastwood, who was Lee van Cleef and who was Eli Wallach. You've seen The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, right?

BRAND OF THE YEAR

Tom Cleverley. Not even into double-figures in terms of appearances for Manchester United, he set up his own website.

MONEY EQUALS HAPPINESS

Yaya Toure earns £250,000 per week. He scored Manchester City's FA Cup semi-final and final winners last season and the Premier League clincher the following campaign.

BEST SOLO GOAL

Hatem Ben Arfa v Bolton.

HIPSTERS' CHOICE OF THE SEASON 1

Napoli.

INEXCUSABLE EXCUSE

Tottenham's drop in form was down to Harry Redknapp being made favourite for the England role. Spurs invariably use frivolous excuses for capitulations, and this was another one.

OVERKILL CHANT OF THE SEASON

Anything to Sloop John B. Plastic drivel.

FREE-KICK OF THE SEASON

Leighton Baines v Swansea.

WORST BBC COMMENTATOR

Jonathan Pearce.

TEN YEARS OLDER

Steve Bruce.

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TIZIANO CRUDELI'S BEST MOMENT

BOA! BOA! BOA! TENG! TENG! TENG!

ALAN PARTRIDGE MOMENT

Gary Neville on Fernando Torres' Camp Nou Equaliser.

HIPSTERS' CHOICE OF THE SEASON 2

Athletic Club Bilbao.

BEST PLAYER WITHOUT A MEDAL

Robin van Persie.

WORST PLAYER WITH A MEDAL

Charlie Adam.

WORST SKY COMMENTATOR

Alan Parry.

WORST IMAGE CONSULTANT

Piers Morgan. Arsenal’s support has a reputation for being rather mild-mannered and soft, yet the ex-Mirror editor gleefully prolongs his #goonerpower trend quest.

VOLLEY OF THE SEASON

Peter Crouch v Manchester City.

ENGLISH DIVER AWARD

Andy Carroll against Newcastle.

WORST INDIVIDUAL PERFORMANCE AWARD

John Terry v Liverpool.

LITERALLY USELESS

Jamie Redknapp.

HIPSTERS' CHOICE OF THE SEASON 3

Newcastle United.

WORST ITV COMMENTATOR

Peter Drury.

CLANGER OF THE SEASON

Martin Atkinson, Chelsea-Tottenham FA Cup semi-final.

FOOTBALL"S GRIM REAPER

Geoff Shreeves.

NON-PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Ji-Sung Park. His work rate is second to none because his first touch is second to everyone.

TEN YEARS YOUNGER

Barry Bannan.

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HALFWAY-POINT SIGNING OF THE SEASON

Papiss Cisse. For this, this and this.

HELEN LOVEJOY AWARD

The Twitteratti.

TEAM GOAL OF THE SEASON

Manchester United's equaliser against Manchester City in the Community Shield.

BEST INDIVIDUAL PERFORMANCE AWARD

Luis Suarez v Norwich City at Carrow Road.

WORST REFEREE

Martin Atkinson.

GAME OF THE SEASON

INTER MILAN 4-2 AC MILAN

BIGGEST FLOP

Stewart Downing. Tim Howard has more Premier League goals and assists.