Education Secretary Michael Gove is introducing measures that will force every child in Britain to play with hoops and sticks.

"Unlike Nintendos or Xboxes, hoops and sticks encourage real learning," said Gove. "Plus you can beat the children with the sticks afterwards."

Gove's proposal is just one of a raft of measures being taken to turn back time improve education standards in Britain.

From 2014, pupils will be required to sit 'Govelevels' - with Bible reading, chimney sweeping and cross-stitch being compulsory - and any failing students will be made to write lines while wearing a dunce's cap.

In addition, secondary school pupils be required hand in their mobile phones to their teachers, who will replace them with a slate and chalk. Schools will also be forced to reintroduce separate entrances for boys and girls, and replace all lightbulbs with gas lamps.

Gove denied that his moves are in any way old-fashioned or divisive. "Any child who wants to opt out of this system, can," he said. "As long as they are being taught at home by a governess, or working down a mine."

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