1. The Highway Code
We're sorry to rub this in, but the world's most boring book just got a decidedly raunchier competitor in the best selling stakes. Unfortunately, there's no promises a copy of <em>Shades</em> will help you pass your theory test.
2. Stamps
If Shades is encouraging anything, it's not the ancient and romantic art of writing love letters. Especially not after the recent price hike.
3. Dressing Gowns
Move over, Hugh Hefner, your silky loungewear is no longer the epitome of male sex appeal.
4. Chest Wigs
See previous.
IMAGE:Flickr.com/drinksmachine
5. Supermarket dinner for two for £10
They may be convenient, but they're a bit more M&S then S&M, sadly.
6. Tickets to the Rocky Horror Show
You still thought this was risque? Oh...
7. Snowglobes
Never the classiest form of souvenir.
8. Hot water bottle
Especially not when hidden inside a cuddly animal cover.
9. Typewriters
These belong in the whole Moulin Rouge genre of raunch. Next.
10. The Atkins Diet
Bit of a cheat, really, as sales of these have been declining since the mid-noughties.
11. Bottles of cough medicine
It's summer.
12. Scarves
Apart from the types needed to tie up lovers with.
13. Watches
Most people use their phone to tell the time with now, right?
14. Pugs
Yes, they're a very fashionable dog right now, but they're far more demanding than your average best-selling paperback.
IMAGE:Flickr.com/0¢
15. Elton John records
Is he even producing them any more?! A fall from grace from the bespectacled wonder.
IMAGE:Flickr.com/Epiclectic
16. Bicycle pumps
Granted, the olympics are in full swing. But any DIY sex toy involving one of these is going to end up with a trip to A&E.
IMAGE:Flickr.com/ Johnsen Frameworks
17. Elastic bands
The most domestic form of rubber good. Up there with...
IMAGE:Flickr.com/ Johnsen Frameworks
18. Plugs
Of the drain-blocking variety. Not to be confused with number 14. Also in the rubber line...
IMAGE:Flickr.com/Robynlou8
19. Swimming hats
Sexy, but not necessarily part of your beach look this year.
IMAGE:Flickr.com/Laurie Pink
20. The Da Vinci Code
2003 called, it wants its best seller back.
21. Pencils
With thousands of copies of Shades littering public transport, there's no wood left for these useful scribing tools.
IMAGE:Flickr.com/hownowdesign
22. Big Macs
Tasty. But gherkins = halitosis.
23. Copies of Wet Wet Wet's "Love Is All Around"
You're still using this as a seduction technique? Awkward.
24. Condoms
The irony of Shades is that the book's so addictive that the prospect of having actual sex is just a tad, well, distracting.
25. All of the items in the book combined
Sure, you're happy enough to go and read about the whips and the chains and the other clunky bedroom accessories - but going to the extent to buy them? Meh.
26. Wedding rings
It's fair to say that any <em>Shades</em> reader is somewhat more intimidating marriage material now. Let's not get started on the white dress.
27. Newspapers
Say what? All those stories about Shades are getting dull? You'd rather read the actual book?
29. The Crazy Frog ringtone
Thank god one dreadful best seller has killed another.
28. Jilly Cooper's Riders
Yes, we are in floods of tears about this. No, <em>Shades</em> will never fill the Cooper-shaped hole in our heart.
30. Dusters
Bored housewives have far better things to do with their time now.
31. Tickets to the Olympic stadium
Despite being the equivalent of event gold dust at the moment, the amount sucked up by corporate sponsors has meant that <em>Shades</em> is a far more egalitarian option.
32. Spice Girls posters
Although we're hoping that<em> Shades</em> isn't taking the equivalent place on young girls' walls.
33. Razors
Female body hair is in, if you hadn't heard. Plus, much like point 24 states, women have far better things to do right now.
34. Lady Chatterly's Lover
It may be the thinking gal's <em>Shades</em>, but we can't believe copies are flying off the shelves.
35. Mansions
We're in the middle of a recession, don't you know?
36. Bunting
*Yawn* The Jubilee is so three months ago.
37. Pegs
Sexy instruments of mild torture are far more...shiny, these days.
38. Lunchboxes
Most people buy lunch out now, right? Secondly, after Shades, there are less coy ways of referring to a man's package.
39. Coathangers
Oh yes, because steamy sexual encounters are made by neatly hanging up one's clothes.
40. CKOne
It's unlikely Christian and Anastasia have a shower and share his'n'hers perfume after a romp.
41. Kettle Chips
Once the ultimate in middle-class wooing snack. Now the harbinger of bad breath.
42. Wills and Kate mugs
We literally shudder to think of either of them practising any of that.
43. Sunglasses
Have you been outside during the last three months at all?!
44. Chicken Kievs
We gather that breaded garlicky poultry has declined in popularity.
45. Novelty ties
See the book cover.
46. One Day
Ok, well, you probably should read this if you haven't yet, but do it in a hovel somewhere. Don't bring it up in conversation for fear of derision and mild mocking.
47. Jim Sturgess
OK - there is only one of him. But in terms of fantasy fodder, even a million of him wouldn't challenge Christian Grey.
48. Tripe
We're guessing it hasn't been all that popular for a while.
49. Cosmo magazine
Ridiculous as the sex tips offered in Shades are, people are still more likely to try them than those advised in this publication.
50. Cupcakes
If we are to be grateful to this publication for anything, it is for the death of twee.
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The Huffington Post UK | By Alice E. Vincent Posted: 08/08/2012 10:51 Updated: 09/08/2012 14:00