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FirstGroup Wins Contract To Run Richard Branson

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BRANSON
Richard Branson | PA

Richard Branson has blasted the government following the announcement that transport giant FirstGroup will now be running him.

FirstGroup will start operating Richard Branson in December. "Just in time for Christmas, when we can dress him up as Santa Claus," said a spokesman.

But Branson is unhappy that FirstGroup won the bidding war over Virgin.

"I won't speak to Prime Minister David Cameron unless I get a call saying sorry," he said, shortly before throwing his toys out of the pram.

The Richard Branson proposals by FirstGroup include:

  • ¬£22m to be spent on beard follicles
  • Shorter journey times between London and the Caribbean
  • Improved hair roots
  • 40,000 new lines - on his face

The Bransport Union, however, has issued warnings. "It will lead to massive beard cuts and huge increases in fair hair," said union leader Bob Likestocrow.

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