(With acknowledgement and apologies to Miles Kington)

Joey Barton (footballeur Liverpudlien), donne son premier press conference at Olympique de Marseille (un famous team de football).

Barton: Good moaning!

(Il y a du sniggering par le press corps)

Barton: Quoi?

(M. Barton looks un peu confused. Mais il continue)

Barton: Je suis ici aujourd'hui pour parler de Sunday's match avec mon new team Marseille...

(Les cameras click; les journalistes commencent writing dans leurs notebooks)

Barton: Mais firstly, je voudrais dire un few choses...

(Les journalistes se regardent. Le room est silent)

Barton: Les personnes back home, ils me disaient que j'etais mad to want to come ici. "Vous avez une giraffe!", il me disaient. Mais - guess quoi?

(Les journalistes ne guess pas)

Barton: C'est THEM qui sont mad! Parce que je feel right at home en France, un country d'intellectuels comme Jean-Paul Sartre, Alain De Botton, Eric Cantona...

(Les journalistes se regardent encore. C'est un peu awkward. Comment dire à M.Barton que Alain De Botton n'est pas French?)

Barton: Je savais que to come here, je serais pour un while un Guillaume Sans Amis...

(Les journalistes sont confused)

Barton: Mais, comme vous see, je suis studying la langue française. J'ai un private professeur, j'écoute des audio language tapes, et je regarde at least deux episodes de la série documentaire 'Allo Allo' par semaine.

(Les journalistes sont even more confused)

Barton: J'espère que ces efforts mean I'll fit in dans no time. Et meanwhile: je voudrais donner le dernier mot à mon hero...

Journaliste No.1: Pepé Le Pew?

(Les autres journalistes laugh. M. Barton n'est pas amusé.)

Barton: Non, pas Pepé le Pew. Mon hero Noam Chomsky. Je pense que Chomsky said it best quand il disait: "Language est un process de free creation".

Journaliste No.2 (sous son breath): Il n'est pas wrong there.

Barton: Mais maintenant: let's parler about le match! Naturellement, j'étais malade comme un perroquet to receive un card jaune, mais...

(La conférence de presse continue dans la manière d'un bad episode of 'Allo 'Allo)

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  • Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers - Premier League

    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Joey Barton of QPR is restrained by QPR First Team Coach Eddie Niedzwiecki (L) and QPR Goalkeeping Coach Kevin Hitchcock (R) after being shown the red card by Referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers at the Etihad Stadium on May 13, 2012 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

  • Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers - Premier League

    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Joey Barton of QPR is restrained by QPR Goalkeeping Coach Kevin Hitchcock (L) and QPR First Team Coach Eddie Niedzwiecki (R) after being shown the red card by Referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers at the Etihad Stadium on May 13, 2012 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)

  • Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers - Premier League

    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Joey Barton of QPR is shown the red card by Referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers at the Etihad Stadium on May 13, 2012 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

  • Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers - Premier League

    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Joey Barton of QPR clashes with Sergio Aguero of Manchester City after being shown the red card by Referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers at the Etihad Stadium on May 13, 2012 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

  • Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers - Premier League

    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Joey Barton of QPR clashes with Sergio Aguero of Manchester City after being shown the red card by Referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers at the Etihad Stadium on May 13, 2012 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

  • Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers - Premier League

    MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Joey Barton of QPR causes a fracas after being shown the red card by Referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester City and Queens Park Rangers at the Etihad Stadium on May 13, 2012 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

  • Soccer - FA Barclays Premiership - Manchester City v Bolton Wanderers - The City of Manchester Stadium

    Manchester City's Joey Barton walks off after being given a red card for violent conduct.

  • Soccer - FA Barclays Premiership - Manchester City v Bolton Wanderers - The City of Manchester Stadium

    Manchester City's Joey Barton (left) is given a red card for violent conduct.

  • Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Liverpool v Newcastle United - Anfield

    Referee Phil Dowd (right) instructs Newcastle United's Joey Barton off the pitch, after showing him the red card for his challenge on Liverpool's Xabi Alonso.

  • Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Liverpool v Newcastle United - Anfield

    Referee Phil Dowd (left) directs Newcastle United's Joey Barton (right) off the pitch after showing him the red card.

  • Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Queens Park Rangers v Norwich City - Loftus Road

    Queens Park Rangers' Joey Barton and Norwich City's Bradley Johnson get involved earning Joey Barton a red card

  • Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Queens Park Rangers v Norwich City - Loftus Road

    Queens Park Rangers' Joey Barton and Norwich City's Bradley Johnson get involved earning Joey Barton a red card

  • Soccer - FA Barclays Premiership - Liverpool v Manchester City - Anfield

    Referee Dermot Gallagher shows Manchester City's Joey Barton the red card

  • Liverpool v Manchester City

    LIVERPOOL, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 26: Joey Barton of Manchester City jumps in with a two footed tackle on Sami Hyypia of Liverpool which lead to his red card, during the Barclays Premiership match between Liverpool and Manchester City at Anfield on February 26, 2006 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)

  • Barton receives his marching orders for the first time at Tottenham in February 2004 in the FA Cup

  • City were 3-0 down at the time of his dismissal but sensationally rallied to win the fourth-round tie 4-3

  • Les misérables