I wonder if ever there has been a uterus more widely discussed than that of Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge. Yes, OK, there probably has been: Princess Diana's for one and, more recently, Jennifer Aniston's.
But the whole world, it seems, is now on round-the-clock royal womb watch: is that a bump or just a big lunch?
That's a rather large clutch bag is it not? Is her face a little fuller? Is her posterior a little wider? Does she have a certain 'glow'? OH COME ON! Is she or isn't she?! And if she isn't, WHY ISN'T SHE??
Oh my goodness, we are obsessed! How must it feel to have millions of people speculating on, in fact slathering at, her womb and the contents thereof?!
Of course, the last year and a half or so have given us myriad opportunities to gorge ourselves on all things royal even more than usual. First William and Kate's engagement was announced, then there was the build up to the wedding, then the wedding itself, then the honeymoon – and this year's Jubilee festivities have provided the perfect opportunity for lots of navel gazing. That would be Kate's navel, obviously.
Naturally people are interested (I mean, we love an opportunity to get our Union Jacks out, don't we?) and a woman in her position – a woman who carries the responsibility of producing yet another heir to the throne, a woman who is already (gasp!) 30 – must expect a fair amount of commentary.
But the absolutely massive amount of attention being given to the subject in celeb magazines, the constant and unrelenting scrutiny of Kate's waistline and the ridiculous claims being made by 'insiders' are just starting to seem a bit icky.
Some international 'news' sites are going as far as actually revealing a royal pregnancy – presumably with their fingers tightly crossed that an imminent announcement will prove them right. One rather nauseating online report included this:
'"Prince William and Princess Kate [sic] recently spent over 15 hours in the Royal Babymaking Suite at Buckingham Palace,' said Royal butler, Thomas Hillstrom. 'They spent quite a lot of time 'enjoying' each other's company.'"
Er (or should that be 'blurgh'), just the fact they're unable to give Kate her correct title rather suggests a lack of 'insider knowledge' if you ask me (and has anyone in the UK ever heard of a Royal Babymaking Suite within the walls of Buck House?! Heavens!). Nevertheless, I expect their outrageous headline 'Kate Middleton is pregnant' scored them a good number of hits.
Elsewhere, the last few days have seen other sites claiming to have the 'first photos of Kate's baby bump' with 'a witness' claiming 'it was prominent enough to cast a shadow'.
And as for the magazine which seemed to suggest a royal baby was imminent because tHer Majesty The Queen has advised William and Kate to 'concentrate on starting a family', well, we're BOUND to have news any second then, aren't we? There's nothing more likely to lead to a baby than having your grandma tell you to go and get busy.
As I write this, The Duchess of Cambridge might well be pregnant (and if she is, could we not just allow her to keep it to herself for a while, like almost every other first time mum does?)...or she might not be. Either way, I think she's fabulous, always demonstrating incredible poise despite her baying public.
If I was her, pregnant or otherwise, I'd take every opportunity to surreptitiously pat my tummy in view of the paparazzi.
I'd rush to the toilets on official visits and come back dabbing my mouth. I'd politely refuse alcohol, peanuts, king prawns and soft cheeses. I'd wind 'em up and reel 'em in and then let it slip to an 'insider' I had decided to call my firstborn RustyRockets.
But then I, unlike serene, calm and unflappable Kate, would make a truly terrible royal. Whenever she decides to have, or announce, a baby, I wish her the very best. But I'll keep my flag in the drawer 'til it's official.
See our pics of celebs who really are pregnant: