What's next for Ahmadinejad? With his villainous charm and strident views, the former Iranian leader is bound to have a raft of offers to cash in on his global profile. Here are five ways he could build a new career:
Judge on 'Britain’s Got Talent'
Simon Cowell could replace Amanda Holden with Ahmadinejad on the judging panel for next year’s 'Britain’s Got Talent'. Swapping Holden’s banalities with some fiery Islamic rhetoric would give the show fresh impetus, while contestants who didn’t pass muster would get no only an “X” but a ruffing up from the basiji off-stage. Plus, he has talent show form (see video below)>
Imagine the first show:
Mahmoud: “I am very pleased to be a judge on Britain’s Got Talent. As you know, we have no gays in Iran… and sat next to Simon and David, there are definitely no gays on this panel.”
Should a contestant do particularly badly: “I’m afraid it’s two ‘nos’ and a beheading.”
New cast member for 'Downton Abbey'
Julian Fellows could offer the former Iranian chief a role in the hit period drama, possibly as Lady Sybil’s new love interest.
Sybil: “Grandmamma, this is Mahmoud. He’s Persian.”
Lady Grantham: “Persian… like the carpets?”
Mahmoud: “The wave of Islamic revolution will reach the entire world by the weekend."
Lady Grantham: “What’s a weekend?”
The script writes itself!
Run for office in Minnesota
Ahmadinejad could run for the soon-to-be vacant seat of congresswoman Michele Bachmann. The two have much in common: theocratic leanings, hatred of Obama and ratty eyes.
Unfortunately, Ahmadinejad’s campaign might face some difficulties gaining support from the Republican grassroots. When canvassed about endorsing Mahmoud for a run at the sixth district seat, a spokesperson for the Minnesota’s Tea Party Patriots replied:
“On a number of occasions Mr Ahmadinejad has refused to acknowledge that the Holocaust ever happened. We find this position far too moderate and will therefore not be able to give him the backing of the Minnesota TP.”
Host of 'Loose Women'
Ahmadinejad has been criticised in Iran for being too soft on women. It’s true. In 2012, religious conservative Ali Motahari said that Ahmadinejad encourages the occasional “wearing (in public) of pants, and coats that don’t cover the knees.” Such a liberated stance on women’s rights surely wins Mahmoud a place fronting the lunchtime show where he could exchange cheerful quips with Denise Welch on waxing, bikini diets and Israel’s fiery annihilation.
Retire to Twitter
"Why is global thermonuclear war trending? *innocent face*"
The Iranian theocrat could become a Twitter celebrity, gaining a following by passing comment on audience members on The Big Questions and exchanging pretend indignation with @JonathanHaynes over the Daily Mail front page. Surely Twitter would bestow @TheRealAhmadinejad with the blue tick, from where he could fire out pithy funnies on the return of the Mahdi, uranium enrichment and Loki the 1D dog.