The Louise-Spenny storyline is repetitive to the point of existential, says Will Gore, but luckily Binky's mum was on hand to speculate about penis size...
This week's dispatch from Chelsea kicked off with the girls meeting up for a spot of breakfast. Millie, Rosie, Louise and Binky didn't, much to my disappointment, cram themselves round a Formica table in their local greasy spoon for rounds of eggs, bacon and fried bread, instead descending on a swanky hotel for an equally unhealthy, but slightly posher brekkie of macaroons and cup cakes.
This fluorescent grub was guzzled to the sound of Louise's increasingly whiny voice going on about her new boyfriend Andy and her old flame, Spencer. This entanglement was once again the central focus of the week's episode. It's all becoming a touch repetitive, isn't it? Like a weekly dose of Beckett's Waiting for Godot, only with fewer tramps and even more existential despair.
Louise did her best throughout the episode to try and persuade herself, Andy and everyone watching that she is delighted to be rid of Spenny, but, like a dog that has become rather to attached to his flees, she just can't bring herself to cut ties with him once and for all.
So it was off to Binky's barn dance, but for our drip of a heroine there was little fun to be had. She confronted Spencer and was once again left a quivering, confused wreck. There's even more of this nonsense to come from her in the remaining weeks, I fear.
Just what is Spencer's secret? In a discussion with her daughter and Lucy, Binky's mum speculated, in terms cruder than certain kinds of oil, as to why he is able to keep so many women on his trail.
First she asked Lucy if he was "a fantastic lay", before speculating that maybe he has "a dick the size of a..." Old Ma Binky didn't manage to get to finish her sentence before she was interrupted, but we got the idea (for what it's worth I reckon she was going to say hockey stick).
If Spencer's is packing a lot more in his lunch box than just a cheese sandwich this didn't impress Lucy too much though. She ditched him without hesitation when she found out he had been sleeping with other girls behind her back.
Spencer couldn't believe it and was left exclaiming, "Girls, oh my God!", after being dumped. It was a phrase Ollie could well have been repeating across town, only for rather different reasons. He was trying his best to keep his relationship with Ashley together, although by the end of the episode he had failed on this score.
The break up has been coming for weeks now on account of the fact that Ashley is a girl and Ollie is pretty gay. It was the discovery of Ollie's stash of gay porn a few episodes back that first had Ashley questioning their coupling. What finally killed it off was their sex life, or, more accurately, their lack of one.
Ollie turned to his friends for advice. Binky naively spoke to Ollie about the "ins and outs" of a relationship that clearly didn't have many, while Cheska took the lead from Binky's Mum by telling Ollie he should be "properly giving it to (Ashley) all the time", and if he wasn't then there was a problem.
Suffice to say, there was a problem. The fact that Ollie hadn't been "properly giving it to her" left Ashley to conclude, quite wisely, that the only way he would fancy her more would be if she had a beard and her name was Steve.
She decided to bow out, most of her dignity in tact. I'm pretty sure she won't now do a Louise and hang around, hoping for romance to rekindle. I'm also assuming a sex change to try and get Ollie's attention is out of the question too. This is structured reality, of course, but that's probably one structuring too far.
Episode Six: Tension! Hypocrisy! Francis Eats A Big Sandwich!
Episode Five: Phoebe-Lettice And Proudlock Get Screen Time, Plus Andy Hits On Louise!
Episode Four: A Trip To The Country And An Inevitable Break-Up
Episode Three: Smut Is In The Air, Plus The Ultimate Spenny And Louise Showdown
Episode Two: Jamie's Got A Girlfriend! But Tries It On With Phoebe Anyway
Episode One: Made In Chelsea's Back! And Spenny's Got Beef With, Like, EVERYONE