An engagement! Nudity! Has Arg come out the closet?! Will Gore is slightly confused after the final episode of TOWIE but no more than Sam after Joey's chat in Dubai...
Even the most seasoned fans of Towie would admit that this latest series has been far from vintage, with too much of Gemma and her moaning, Abi and her breasts, and Bobby and his eyebrows
Last night's finale episode did at least raise a few laughs as it flicked between a swanky hotel in Dubai, where Joey was preparing to propose to Sam, and a leisure centre on the outskirts of Essex, where Arg, Diags, and Tom P were preparing to take on their arch enemies, Ricky, Daniel, and James in a football match.
Over in Dubai Joey was nervous about his proposal plan. Perhaps that's the reason he was muttering frontier gibberish at his beloved as they took a dip in the pool. Joey answered his own question, "Is Dubai a country?", by stammering these exact words: "I don't think this was a country, they actually made this country, they actually built the sand underneath of it. You can't make a palm into a palm tree out of the world, do you understand?
Sam, like the rest of us, didn't have a first clue what he was going on about. "I don't really know much about the Middle East," was all she could say.
Later Joey practised popping the question in front of the mirror, talking to himself like a more mental version of Robert de Niro in Taxi Driver, and with an even more disastrous haircut.
For the proposal itself, which to one's surprise was accepted, Joey decided to dress in tight white tennis shorts and a body hugging white polo shirt, a look that apparently even a Wham!-era George Michael rejected on the grounds that it was too camp.
There was certainly no shortage of camp back at the leisure centre either. Team Arg, or Team Football Nutters as they liked to be called, proved victorious in the "big match" and the lads celebrated by stripping down to their pants and spraying each other with champagne.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any more homo-erotic, Arg bellowed, "Not only did we win, but we get to see those mugs get naked!" with such glee I thought he might explode.
Sadly, Arg coming out of closet was not the twist in this TOWIE tale. He was just referring to the fact that the vanquished team, the Rockafellas, would be paying the forfeit of getting their kit off at a hastily arranged engagement party for Joey and Sam. The losers did the deed with good grace and a few other loose ends, so to speak, were then tied up as the series drew to a close.
Ricky apologised to Danny and Jasmin for being nasty to them during the last few weeks and Abi realised her old flame Diags, who we discovered gained his nickname on account of his diagonal mouth, was the man for her after all.
It wasn't all sweetness and light, however. Mario and Lucy tore their former mate, Little Chris, a new one for some old slight. As he was being shouted at, Little Chris's mouth sagged and his eyes closed tighter and tighter.
He had the appearance of a heavily sedated hostage, unsure of his surroundings and just wanting to be back at home with his Mummy. At times over the last few weeks, while watching this weird, glowing spectacle - just so you don't have to - I've felt pretty similar.
For now at least, my twice-weekly vigil has come to an end. Despite the fact that at times it has been far from pretty, I will miss you, Joey, Gemma, Bobby Eyebrows and the rest of my orange friends. It's been something akin to reem.
The Only Way Is Essex: Joey Becomes A Businessman!
The Only Way Is Essex: Joey Does A Phil Mitchell
The Only Way Is Essex: Party Planning And A Doomed Date Night
The Only Way Is Essex: Oi! Leave Poor Gemma Alone!
The Only Way Is Essex: Smut, Smut And More Smut
The Only Way Is Essex: LuRio (That's Lucy And Mario) Is Back On!
The Only Way Is Essex: Rise Of The Joey Essex Clones
Babies, Cheating And, Er, Politics: The Only Is Essex Is Back!
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