Sex App That Measures Your Performance In A Spreadsheet Is Surely The Least Sexiest Thing?

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Nowhere is safe from spreadsheet mentality, not even our bedrooms.

A new sex app called Spreadsheets (you were expecting something more creative, perhaps?) is available from Apple that helps document your sexual performance using various measures such as how long you last, how loud you are, how many times a week you have sex and - eww - the number of thrusts.

couple

This is possibly the least sexiest app we've ever heard of - unless of course, you have a fetish for extreme organisation.

Which brings us to our next point - surely apps should be kept out of the bedroom? (Alright, with the possible exception of Happy Play Time.)

phone

The website says: "Spreadsheets monitors data from user’s movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed.

"Spreadsheets does not record or playback audio or video. That would be creepy."

Perhaps the worst element is that the app aims to introduce an element of competition - because you know, who doesn't like sex being like a video game?

NYmag.com said: "Spreadsheet offers individuals "achievement levels" that are unlocked with activities like sex in the afternoon (or using a Magic Wand), or sex that lasts for 40 minutes (both score you fifteen points). More points are available for more challenging goals like "Lazy Sunday," which asks that you log five entries on a Sunday. So, to "win" the game, your partner pumps really fast and you yell really loud and that's the secret to good sex!"

sex

The app's website says 'celebrate your achievements' but ahem, what if your sex moves aren't up to scratch? And - horrors - what if someone presents you with the spreadsheet to explain why they're dumping you? "Sorry honey, but you're crap in bed?"

We know what we'd do if our other half suggested using the £1.50 app - toss their £400 smartphone out of the window.


Tell us what you think in the comments below...

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