Okay, let's cut to the chase - Emma Sleight is devastated by this week's Great British Bake Off. Yet through tears and shouting "noooooooo!" at the telly, she managed to write this...
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Howard - everyone's little Bake Off schnecken - has gone.
He may have given Mary grass flour and been the owner of the peachiest buns, but it wasn't enough as Mr Middlebun got the chop. There'll be no more crackage, no more Razzle Hanoo and we'll never know if he had inappropriate dreams about Mary or Paul.
Honestly, does anyone really care what else went on with the remaining six bakers in that tent of madness and sorrow? Wait, what - did you say yes? Oh... fine.
This bitter-sweet dough week demanded signature tea loves that saw Glenn upsetting Italian Panettone by dragging it kicking and screaming to Devon, Kimberley and Frances thrashing it out with chai loaves and Howard giving Mary a baggy of greenish flour to inhale. Squeaky clean Berry looked sweetly nonplussed, asking "is it a grass?" Yes Mary, yes it is.
It was vaguely reassuring to learn Cath Kidston-swaddled Mary had never heard of hemp. With the emotional trauma of this week, I'm not sure the nation could cope with the discovery Mary had a penchant for the wacky bacci.
Anyway, the judges were unimpressed by Howard's flour and Christine, the Bake Off's most solid baker, joined him in loaf despair as she played a game of punch the chef during a fit uncharacteristic frustration at her soggy signature bake.
At least she wasn't alone as baking ninja Ruby, Glenn and Kimberley joined her with under-baked loaves and Beca with a successful if "underwhercked" Bara Brith.
In the end - after a stressful technical and a Battle Royale-style showstopper in terms of competitiveness - queen of creative chaos and judge's favourite Ruby wandered up with a scruffy batch of buns that were still good enough to pip Frances' noughts and crosses to star baker *incredulous face*.
Beca produced a lemon finger that satisfied self-proclaimed king of the iced bun, Paul Hollywood, while Howard suffered with bland buns and dry schnecken.
Glenn proved sweet dough can reduce even grown men to tears as he faced impending doom only to be granted a reprieve as Howard got the boot in the most emotional farewell since Casablanca.
All that was left was for Glenn to lay down his Bake Off manifesto: he's doing it for Howard, for the men folk, for all the schnecken that couldn't. It remains to be seen if he can master spotted dick, however, as next week it's suet and pastry.
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