The Artist Formerly Known As Ginger Spice is back! With a new song! And accompanying video! And here's an 18-point breakdown of what happens in it...
1. Through a rousing electronic trumpet intro, the camera works its way through person...
..after person. Only to reveal...
...just how small Geri Halliwell really is.
2. Geri sings the line "I gave you the finger" while pointing. This completely reinvents the lyric.
3. Geri either can't choose between, or is terrified of, two gay men.
4. To make things even more complicated, two more gay men start hitting on her. (For all its talk of 'half of me', this song video features an awful lot of threesomes.)
5. Geri utters the poetic line "You fit me perfectly right".
6. Geri attempts sign language.
7. Geri dances with children. She is still smaller than one of them.
8. Geri dances with people in giant animal suits (these account for three-quarters of the £200 total video budget).
9. There is a token ukulele (this accounts for one-quarter of the total £200 video budget).
10. We are shown that gay men, amazingly, come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Though not races.
11. Just in case we miss its meaning, Geri mimes sex while singing "I wanna have your baby".
12. Just in case we miss the meaning of 'bear', a 'bear' hits on a 'bear'.
13. Geri is still dilemma'd/terrified by the two gorgeous gay men.
14. Her friend, less so.
15. Geri sings and dances with all the roped-in extras. These include...
16. This pissed-off cowboy...
17. ...and this pissed-off woman.
18. Geri can't quite believe what's just happened. Neither can we.
NOW WATCH THE VIDEO IN ALL ITS £200 GLORY:
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Which you played on the aforementioned computer consoles. Super Mario Bros, Lemmings, Goldeneye, TETRIS, Pokémon, Kirby's Dream Land, Sonic The Hedgehog.... and more. Oh, so many more.
The Spice Girls
They burst onto the scene in 1996 - and our lives were (viva) forever changed. Was it their catchy songs? Their mini-dresses? Or their conveniently pigeonholed personality types?
The Crystal Maze
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Yes, the game of cardboard discs originated in Hawaii in the 1920s - but in the 1990s it really came into its commercialised, addictive own. In fact, Pogs were so popular, some schools banned them. Boooo!
Beverly Hills 90210
An hour of telly during which British schoolchildren could dream that they lived in Los Angeles, hung out on the beach every day and looked THIS good in Ray-Bans.
Home And Away
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Great hair accessories
Scrunchies, Alice bands, bandanas, butterfly clips and, yes, headbands worn like Casualty's Emma Bird on the left there. The 1990s were THE decade for covering up/tying back/sticking stuff in your hair.
Suddenly, wrestling was a WHOLE lot more exciting. In fact, scrap that. Telly was. LIFE was.
Noel's House Party
And its star. By which we do, of course, mean Mr Blobby. Which leads us nicely to...
Novelty pop singles
...Mr Blobby performing his Christmas number one. And his wasn't the only assault on music in the 1990s - oh, no. Who can forget Macarena, Cotton Eye Joe, Three Lions, Barbie Girl, Teletubbies Say 'Eh-oh!' and Mambo No.5, to name but six? Sadly, none of us can.
Personal CD players
Suddenly, you could listen to novelty pop singles anywhere!
From Mighty Morphin Power Rangers right through to Power Rangers Lost Galaxy. Boys and their toys, indeed.
Edd the Duck
What Gordon the Gopher had been to Philip Schofield, so Edd the Duck was to Andi Peters and Andy Crane. A silly, squeaking, utter delight. Edd, that is. Not Andi/Andy.
Suddenly, the question 'Do you want a water fight?' was a LOT more interesting. Fairy Liquid bottles be damned - this was the real, Schwarzenegger-style deal.
Live And Kicking
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As worn by every man, woman and child. But mostly: All Saints.
The Beatles/One Direction of the 1990s. Which was your favourite? (Ours was Mark. Of course. We're only human.)
The Brit Awards
The '90s were the Brits heyday: Jarvis Cocker vs Michael Jackson, Chumbawamba vs John Prescott, Geri Halliwell in a Union Jack dress. Here are M People accepting a Brit Award in 1994 wearing red AIDS ribbons. It doesn't get more '90s than that.
What Tony Hart was to '80s kids, so Neil Buchanan was to children of the '90s. Art Attack was one of the longest-running programmes on CiTV - and not just because of Buchanan's fine line in red Art Attack sweaters.
If they were good enough for Princess Diana, they were good enough for the rest of us. Pearls were a popular choice - see Di here - but as any self-respecting '90s girl knows, black velvet was also more than acceptable.
PJ & Duncan
From Byker Grove to getting ready to rhumble - before Ant and Dec's TV presenting days, they were kid stars with a fine line in floppy hair, baseball caps and huge, huge clothing.
From the original Tamagotchis to the £5 knock-offs from the local market, no kid's pocket was complete in the 1990s if it didn't contain (a dead) one of these.
The Big Breakfast
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The theme from Man In A Suitcase. Reef singing 'It's Your Letters'. Will. Wiiiiiiiiiill! Who cares if it was for adults? Friday night telly had never been such teenagery fun.
Or as our American cousins called them: fanny packs. Everyone had one - even Mr Motivator here (posing with Cindy Crawford in an attempt to beat our M People-at-the-Brits picture for the title of Most '90s Photo Ever).
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The One Which Closes The '90s Slideshow. Yes, they were older than us. And they were American. But they made us aspire to an adult life filled with wisecracks, coffee shops and Jennifer Aniston hairstyles. Could they BE more influential?