Ah, Christmas! A time of sweetness and light, comfort and joy.... unless you're living in Marks And Spencer world.

Yes, the M&S 2013 Christmas advert has just been unveiled, and put it this way: if weird gothic spookiness and a scantily clad woman-child is your thing, then you're in for a treat! Here's a plot point-by-bizarre plot point breakdown of what happens (and below that, the full video):

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  • A white dog runs down a dark cobbled street, pursued by...
  • ...a woman who, frankly, runs like a girl.
  • This woman turns out to be Rosie Huntington-Whiteley wearing M&S clothes.
  • Rosie spots an open pothole.
  • Instead of reporting this dangerous hazard to the police, she falls down it. All is now clear: the dog was the white rabbit and Rosie is Alice in Wonderland.
  • While falling down the pothole, all of Rosie's clothes fall off. We don't remember this bit in Alice In Wonderland.
  • When she lands, however, she is fully dressed...
  • ...and at some sort of terrifying gothic dinner party.
  • At the head of the table sits David Gandy, aka the Mad Hatter/the poor man's Clive Owen.
  • The dinner table is full of things that you can presumably buy at an M&S food hall...
  • ...or in its accessories section.
  • Surrounded by scary women whose outfits you can presumably buy at M&S, David Gandy gestures to Rosie to help herself.
  • So Rosie seizes the bag.
  • One of the scary women isn't happy about this, so she tries to kill Rosie with a pack of cards.
  • Rosie runs through a forest pursued by a group of terrifying human playing cards, all of whom are subject to availability.
  • (She has at least stopped running like a girl, and is now running like a silent movie actress.)
  • Rosie arrives at a Hansel And Gretel-style gingerbread house.
  • She is whisked out of the house on a magic carpet. We don't remember this bit in Hansel And Gretel. Wait. Is this 1001 Arabian Nights now?
  • Amazingly, once again, all her clothes fall off.
  • Rosie wraps her arms around herself because it's cold at that altitude, and because it enhances her cleavage.
  • The poor man's Clive Owen suddenly reappears.
  • They approach a post-apocalyptic London.
  • Or is it Narnia? No, wait - yellow road. Bunches. It's Oz!
  • David Gandy appears out of a bush dressed as an Austrian yodeller.
  • Rosie makes two friends: a woman who looks like a lion and a woman who's going prematurely grey.
  • The latest reference is made really clear for the hard of thinking.
  • (Turns out David Gandy is a scarecrow, not a yodeller.)
  • The four companions arrive in Oz.
  • Where the wizard turns out to be...
  • ...Helena Bonham Carter.
  • Rosie clicks her heels together just twice. Presumably three times is copyrighted.
  • As a result, she appears in a workman's hut.
  • Channelling her Queen Mother role from The King's Speech, Helena Bonham Carter reappears with Rosie's dog/rabbit.
  • Rosie is reunited with her dog/rabbit.
  • Marks And Spencer tells us we should believe in... gothic horror? Completely unconnected stories? Adverts that will give you nightmares?
  • Ah, magic and sparkle. But of course!

NOW WATCH THE ADVERT:

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