Call the Office of National Statistics - I think I've discovered why 1 in 3 marriages end up in divorce. Two words: the Twinsie.
Dubbed the 'must have' Christmas present, it was created by The Original Factory Shop after public consultation on Facebook, and it comes in navy blue, light grey and aubergine. At £50 it isn't cheap, but Twinsie founders say that it is also a good way to stay warm and cut down on heating bills.
But - surely there are downsides to sharing such close quarters? Imagine not being able to sneak off for a crafty fart, or being unable to avert your eyes as your other half commences his fifth ball-scratch of the day?
Smiling...only on the outside
It was an ominous start to the day when I emailed my husband Rob to tell him we'd be trying and testing the Twinsie that evening.
"I'll make dinner before we try it - what do you fancy?" I asked.
A pause, then he replied: "Something that doesn't make you toot?"
I mentally prepared a list of chickpeas, boiled eggs and lots of onions.
Alright, so I didn't have the heart to go through with it, mainly because I didn't fancy engaging in a flatulence war and also, I'm not that cruel.
Rob looked terrified when I unfurled it from my bag. It has three leg holes, four arms and two neck holes and zips. It's also so heavy that it required a backpack to cart it home.
Despite the weight, the material itself is surprisingly thick and well made - this thing will outlive even the cockroaches come a nuclear war.
As Rob and I attempted to get into the Twinsie at the same time, it appeared we'd hit our first snag.
The Twinsie is best donned one person at a time, otherwise you'll end up resembling flailing starfish scuttling across your living room floor. "Where's my leg hole?" Rob wailed, and I pulled his foot out with an exasperated huff. It also transpired we'd be sharing a leg hole- not ideal, as we would find out.
With the Twinsie on, we took a few experimental turns around the room to get our walking rhythm right. Sadly, our dog Daisy thought that the Twinsie indicated play time and made the experience all the more hellish by running circles around us as if we were two cackfooted sheep that needed herding.
We had no rhythm, literally. We already knew this, having tried a double kayaking experience on holiday before and spent the entire journey shouting at each other to paddle at the same time and swearing we'd never kayak together again. And we never have, which is why we're still married.
But the Twinsie, how it tests you.
Rob is 6ft 2ins and I'm about a foot shorter, so what ended up happening was that he was the principle walker, meaning I dragged one foot alongside him like a hapless Igor. We managed one task - brushing our teeth together. Rob had to squeeze my toothpaste on the brush because we didn't fit alongside the sink together, and then came the problem of who would spit first.
We then tried to cuddle on the sofa, but we were so pooped from hopping around and negotiating our steps that we just lay there prone. "This is an outfit for the extremely slothful," Rob commented and I have to agree. The Twinsie is fine if all you want to do is zip up and lie there stretched out on the sofa. But the problem with this is that having the body heat of another person so close to you makes the inside an uncomfortable sweaty furnace.
Plus, I may not have even had the intention of farting in our Twinsie, but knowing I couldn't was doing something terrible and psychological to my digestive system.
We called time on it and swiftly unzipped ourselves, utterly relieved - like we had been through some sort of three ghosts of Christmas version of marriage counselling and had seen how bad it could be.
Afterwards I was scratching my brain for what situations the Twinsie would be useful in. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was when Rob announced that the Twinsie was "crap for canoodling, which is strange because it's obviously a garment made for couples."
And there you have it. Forget chastity belts, GPS on your kid's phone and hidden cameras. If your daughter or son is dating someone and you're none too pleased about it, just zip them and their date up in the Twinsie.
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