In a perfect world, our idea of a break-up is mutual, not accompanied by a lot of Sauvignon Blanc and the next Mr Right looks like David Gandy.
But as so many of us know, the break-up is often shitty, done in a callous way, accompanied by an entire box of wine from the BOGOF aisle. And instead of David Gandy, it's Dave from work - you know, the one with the monobrow.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to reacting to a break-up - after all every relationship ends in different circumstances for reasons personal to the dumper and the dumpee. But how you handle the aftermath does have it's own set of rules - all of which are designed to make you feel better, not the guy who broke up with you.
Here, the authors of He's An Asshole Anyway - Elliot Capner, Matt Knapp and Misha Zelinsky - come up with top 10 tips to being dumped:
1. DO maintain your dignity
It’s amazing how a completely well adjusted, empowered woman can end up few belt buckles shy of a straightjacket in the event of a break up.
Unless you’re auditioning for a spot on Geordie Shore it is vital to maintain your dignity.
Sensible, mature and dignified behaviors will help ease the transition from distraught Ex-girlfriend to the point where you are ready to move on with your life.
To be honest, if people wanted to watch someone hysterically screaming and ranting in public then they would simply go to a Nicki Minaj concert.
2. DON’T have sex with the Ex
This is the number one rule (which is why we put it second).
If he isn’t willing to be with you, then he shouldn’t have one of the primary benefits of a relationship.
Additionally, sex leads to girls inevitably feeling as though the relationship is in the ‘grey’ area. The truth is, there is no grey area - you are broken up.
The best way to avoid any additional hurt and confusion is to cease physical intimacy immediately.
3.DON’T let study or work go to pieces
Don’t compound the hurt of a break up by going to pieces at work or neglecting your study.
Work is a place for work, hitting on secretaries and stealing stationary.
You’ll be remembered as the emotionally unreliable girl who went to pieces when she got dumped, and it might even cost you a promotion.
If you are studying, keep the grades up. The last thing you want to do is repeat a subject because you were too busy crying into a pillow.
However if you are philosophy major then feel free to ignore this advice and do whatever you like – you’ll be joining the unemployment line no matter what.
4. DON’T have a pity party
If there is anything more boring that mixed doubles’ tennis, it’s someone who is having a constant pity party.
Whilst your friends and family will indulge you for a while, hearing every detail of your day-to-day emotions is about as welcome as learning which sexual position you were conceived in.
If you keep moping around, sooner or later it won’t just be your Ex who has abandoned you.
5. DON’T let friends and family get involved
If you’re old enough to have a boyfriend then you are old enough to break up with one.
Whilst you should lean on your friends and family for support during a break up you should be cautious when listening to their advice and you certainly shouldn’t let them get involved.
Remember, the only people who really know what happened in a relationship are those who were in it.
Taking advice from your friends in this context is about as smart as taking driving lessons from Stevie Wonder.
Your Ex will resent your friends and family if they get involved and be angry with you for not preventing them.
Ultimately your break up is an issue for you and your Ex to resolve.
6. DON’T stalk your Ex
Unless you are undertaking some kind of government-sanctioned surveillance of a world leader’s wife, it is never ok to stalk your Ex.
Stalking is creepy, obsessive and completely pointless.
You are unlikely to see him do anything remotely interesting besides watch football and scratch himself.
Stay off his social media accounts.
Remember, a person’s online person is about as reliable as the slander that appears on the walls of public toilets. You are not going to find out anything useful and will likely obsess over the innocuous content on his page.
In the end stalking him is only going to make you feel worse.
7. DON’T live out your break up on social media
Nothing will be gained by ranting about your Ex online to people you barely know.
Mostly people just don’t care. Sure, they will take note, but in the same way they slow down at car crashes, their interest is out of morbid curiosity than anything else.
Remember, Facebook isn’t your psychiatrist, Twitter isn’t your life coach Google Plus (if you are one of the 6 people on it) isn’t a punching bag and most of all – social media platforms are not your diary!
8. DON’T set out to get ‘revenge’
Whilst your Ex might be a jerk, you should avoid any temptation to exact what might seem like a fitting revenge.
It’s vital you don’t set your standard of behavior by his low standards.
Be better than him and don’t let your break up be a race to the bottom. Basically, don’t be the Fox News of the relationship world.
Remember, sleeping with half his football team isn’t ‘revenge’ – it’s just means you’ll eventually need a paternity test.
Ultimately, the best ‘revenge’ you can have against your Ex is to move on with your life and prove that he no longer matters.
9. DON’T destroy his stuff
There is no need to cut up his clothes, scratch his car or – if he is a little bi-curious – destroy his One Direction posters.
By doing so you’ve basically conceded that you’ve fallen out of the bat-shit crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. Plus, he will tell everyone what you did. Any possible goodwill his friends or family had for you will be gone.
10. DO be wary of alcohol
You need to remember that you are bound to make stupid decisions when you are drinking, but especially with a broken heart.
Firstly, alcohol really does sneak up on you. One moment you are confident and in control. The next you are on the ground dry humping the fire extinguisher and applying for Big Brother.
Secondly, once the alcohol is out of your system you are going to have to deal with the consequences of your actions. There is no point trying to rationalize that you didn’t sleep with your Ex and that tequila did.
He's An Asshole Anyway: How To Deal With Being Dumped By The Assholes Themselves, £3.98 Kindle edition, CZK Publishing
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