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11 Pathetic Gadgets Announced At CES That You Absolutely Do Not Need

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There are some good gadgets on show at CES 2014 in Las Vegas. There is also a metric ton of useless tat.

Here are 11 examples of gadgets announced this year that you absolutely do not need to spend money to acquire, unless your name is Brewster and you're engaged in some kind of madcap money-wasting stunt in order to wrangle yet more millions from a sadistically worded legacy, in the 1980s.

We repeat: do not buy these gadgets. You are fine as you are. You will get them home and unpack them and cry.

11. Sony Tennis Sensor

Sony's new gadget promises to monitor your backhand and tell you if you're playing well. You do not need this because tennis has a built-in "am I playing well?" monitor. It's called the score.

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10. Goji Smart Lock

The Goji Smart Lock takes a photo of visitors at your front door so you can see who is there. You do not need this, because all doors also have the ability to open, thus providing visual access to the person beyond without using electricity.

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9. Withings Aura Active Sleep

This gadget promises a "next generation" of sleep thanks to its lights, and alarms, and doodads. Oh and an app. You do not need this, you need a better mattress, ear plugs and a cup of hot cocoa.

8. Flexible TVs

Samsung and LGs new TVs are bendy. You do not need this, because your wall is not bendy and your eyes are not bendy and a distorted, warped image is not more immersive, whatever electrical megacorp executives and Hollywood directors inexpertly claim.

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7. Panono Panoramic Ball Camera

This panoramic camera is made up of 36 individual cameras that take a photo when you throw the ball in the air. You do not need this, because no one alive is interesting, beautiful or vain enough to have need of 36 simultaneously generated selfies.

6. Parrot Jumping SumoBot

This little camera-equipped drone is able to drive about and jump up to 30 inches into the air. You do not need this, because there is nothing 30 inches above the floor you cannot already see.

5. Smart Watches

There are 400 smart watches on show at CES. You do not need them, because they are all, without exception*, terrible.

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4. Bluetooth Toothbrush

This Bluetooth toothbrush sends you data about how well you're brushing so you can improve your dental hygiene. You do not need this, because floss.

3. Digital 'Mother'

This statue monitors different objects in your house and tells you how much they're moving around. You do not need this, because you do not have a poltergeist and ghosts do not exist, and it's terrifying.

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2. Corvette 'Video Game' Car

This car records your driving exploits and spits out video that looks like it's a console driving game. You do not need this because no one wants to watch your footage of Grand Theft Supermarket Car Parking, not even if you've totally pimped your Ford Fiesta with bitchin' blue LEDs or whatever, you idiot.

1. Plant Maintenance Sensor

This device tells you when your plants are dying. You do not need this, because your plants can tell you they're dying, because you can look at them and see if they are dying because they are plants.

 
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