As you might be aware, Channel 5 is currently pumping sewage into our homes in the form of Celebrity Big Brother, but I'm sure that you - dear reader - are far too sensible to tune into such nonsense.
So here's a handy guide for how to keep yourself occupied during the next seven days without having to deal with Lee from Blue or her off The Apprentice.
Must watch... This week there are two new comedies starting that buck the trend for recent sitcoms by actually being pretty funny. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (E4, Thursday, 9pm) is a pacey, gag-heavy show starring Andy Samberg as an anarchic but brilliant NYPD detective. It picked up a couple of Golden Globes this year (Best TV Comedy Series and Best Actor for Samberg) and if the first episode, in which the department have to solve the case of the missing ham, is anything to go by, it will be worth sticking with.
As silly as Brooklyn Nine-Nine is, however, it doesn't come close to matching House of Fools (BBC Two, Tuesday, 10pm) for ridiculousness. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer's new sitcom will be too wacky for some, but the relentlessness of the idiocy (medieval gauntlets, references to Sandi Toksvig and Matt Berry as a dandy obsessed with African women) had me laughing loudly and often.
Maybe watch... Last week's opening episode of The Taste (Channel 4, Tuesday 9pm) was more flaccid than a wet lettuce. This week's second helping (DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) is a little better as the contestants get a chance to cook some classic recipes, but there's still far too much padding. Also, attempts to stoke up rivalry between the judges is more contrived than my hilarious jokes.
I'd rather chew my left hand off than watch... I interviewed Neil Morrissey once and he was a nice bloke, which means it gives me no pleasure saying under no circumstances should you tune in to watch him being interviewed on ITV on Friday night at 9pm. He's the latest guest on Piers Morgan's Life Stories and, as everyone knows, if there had been more room on the tablets Moses would have bashed out, "Thou shalt always turn off the telly when that twatbag Piers Morgan comes on" as the eleventh commandment. Sorry, Neil.
Winter (and Game of Thrones, Series 4) is coming... HBO has released the first trailer for Series 4 of Game Of Thrones and so the countdown to April, when it will be shown on Sky Atlantic, begins. Fans will be expecting more beheadings, more random Hollyoaks actors, more incest, and more terrible acting from Alfie Allen. It's the greatest show around at the moment and if you haven't caught up with it yet then your life is incomplete.
Film of the week... 300 (ITV1, Monday, 10.35pm), in which Dominic West, Gerard Butler and Michael Fassbender have a gay old time as violent Spartan warriors.
Catch up... Baker Street's finest faces his toughest enemy yet - Troels Hartmann out of The Killing – in Sherlock's season finale.