18 Ways To Avoid Becoming An Adult

23/01/2014 14:58
  • 1 Drink Yourself Into A Comatose State
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    Whatever happened to the golden days of first-year, ey? When you went out 5 times a week with wild abandon? Dissertations happened. But we all know that drinking is the best way to cause short term memory loss. So, if you're downing the pints, before you know it, you'll be lost in a murky haze where dissertations AREN'T happening!
  • 2 Outright Refusal To Work
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    It's simple logic. Haven't done your dissertation? Can't graduate.
  • 3 Pretend It's Winter All The Time
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    Ignore the lengthening of the days. The gradual warming of the climate. With the squeak of flip flops comes the whisperings of the graduation ball. No. Better to stay wrapped up in a cocoon of denial and cold.
  • 4 Avoid Parents (Never Go Home)
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    Going home is great. You're fed actual food, enveloped in warmth and there isn't a sinister smell of bin in every room of the house. But home comes with parents. Concerned parents with a whole essay of questions: 'So…have you given any thought to the future? Applied to anywhere lately?' You can shout 'NO, MOTHER NOT YET. GOD!' and storm off, or never leave uni and avoid the situation altogether.
  • 5 Also Avoid Phonecalls
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    'Oh, sorry dad, I can't talk right now, I'm busy every day this year. Chat soon though, byeeee!'
  • 6 Especially Avoid Older Family Members
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    For some reason, in between clucking over bits of pottery and chintz chairs, old people seem to be especially fixated on the topic of your future. It starts off as an innocent question - and then the tirades begin about how they were off shoveling coal at 12.
  • 7 Seriously Consider A Gap Year
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    The time has come to turn a beady eye on all your friends and assess their potential to be a traveling buddy. Preferably someone with the same lax attitude to life who would enjoy hacking their way through some tropical jungle for six months. And then turning that six months into three years.
  • 8 Or Other Delaying Methods
  • 9 In Fact, Stay At Uni Till You're 26
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    You know that guy (there's always one) who has five o'clock shadow at 11 in the morning. And also a long term girlfriend and a flat. First, he took psychology at Sheffield for two years, then transferred to do PPE at Manchester, now he's lurking around your uni to find himself with History. YOU CAN BE THIS GUY.
  • 10 Think Peter Pan
  • 11 Block Proactive People From Your FB Newsfeed
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    All those smug statuses like 'So happy I got my internship!!!' and 'Just been offered my dream job - can you believe it?!' Animals, the lot of them. How dare they do things with their lives.
  • 12 Read OK, Glamour and Closer....
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    ....But definitely not The Guardian. The Guardian has a detailed job section.
  • 13 Take Up A TV Series As A Hobby
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    This has to require full commitment. Whatever energy you should be harnessing into filling out job applications, redirect into watching New Girl, The Big Bang Theory or the entire Friends series. Until the early hours of the morning. Until the characters seem more real than your housemates.
  • 14 Nurse A Hatred For Any Phrase With 'Graduate' In It
    Graduate schemes. Graduate jobs. Graduate programs. For your own self-preservation you have to hate them.
  • 15 Join A Band
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    Did you play the triangle in Year 8? Have a soft spot for the maracas? Actual musical ability isn't necessary here, in fact if your role within the band turns into more of a groupie figure - even better.
  • 16 Be An Au Pair For A Bit
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    When graduating has actually (unforgivably) happened, take off to France for a couple of months. You'll learn a new language, make a new set of friends and most importantly, be oceans away from your unemployment. Bonus if, for some strange reason, you actually like kids.
  • 17 Move Back Home
    You have to ease your parents slowly into this concept. Start preparing your room to be your permanent residence for the next ten years. Sneak in your duvet, photos and books. Most importantly, leave the Step-Brothers DVD out on the kitchen table. They'll know what it means.
  • 18 And Finally, Take To The Sea
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    This one's a bit drastic but - in the history of spontaneity - drastic, irrational plans always turn out well. Always. Buy a boat and set sail.
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