It's less oysters and martinis and more doner kebabs and White Lightning, but 50 Shades of Chav - the 'sexy' tales written by a single mother-of-four - has enjoyed enough success to be published as a book.

The book, renamed Mel and Barry, was written by 37-year-old Mel Dutton who wrote about her adventures between the sheets with fictional 'chav' Barry.

Set in the romantic playground of the Gateshead council estate, gems include:

"Life felt great. The combined sound of him slurpin' his Stella and the squeakiness from his Nike Air Max bouncin' up and down sent a shiver down my spine.

"Well actually he'd dribbled some Stella on me back but it only added to the excitement."

mel and barry

It became an internet sensation after she uploaded short excerpts on Facebook, and Mel said that although she had always loved writing, it made her feel really good to be able to make people laugh. A lot of the stories are also autobiographical.


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She said in The Chronicle: "They are quite rude but people have really loved them and I've heard people reading little bits from it to their friends at the bus stop and even at the school gates. I've always written about my life and do it in the evenings when I've got five minutes' peace."

Other brilliant quotes:

  • As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight.
  • It was Wayne’s birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus pancakes and pot noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called the dogs of war. Where he took me from behind and played call of duty at the same time.
  • As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed.

Earlier on HuffPost:

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  • 1. The Highway Code

    We're sorry to rub this in, but the world's most boring book just got a decidedly raunchier competitor in the best selling stakes. Unfortunately, there's no promises a copy of <em>Shades</em> will help you pass your theory test.

  • 2. Stamps

    If Shades is encouraging anything, it's not the ancient and romantic art of writing love letters. Especially not after the recent price hike.

  • 3. Dressing Gowns

    Move over, Hugh Hefner, your silky loungewear is no longer the epitome of male sex appeal.

  • 4. Chest Wigs

    See previous.

  • 5. Supermarket dinner for two for £10

    They may be convenient, but they're a bit more M&S then S&M, sadly.

  • 6. Tickets to the Rocky Horror Show

    You still thought this was risque? Oh...

  • 7. Snowglobes

    Never the classiest form of souvenir.

  • 8. Hot water bottle

    Especially not when hidden inside a cuddly animal cover.

  • 9. Typewriters

    These belong in the whole Moulin Rouge genre of raunch. Next.

  • 10. The Atkins Diet

    Bit of a cheat, really, as sales of these have been declining since the mid-noughties.

  • 11. Bottles of cough medicine

    It's summer.

  • 12. Scarves

    Apart from the types needed to tie up lovers with.

  • 13. Watches

    Most people use their phone to tell the time with now, right?

  • 14. Pugs

    Yes, they're a very fashionable dog right now, but they're far more demanding than your average best-selling paperback.¢

  • 15. Elton John records

    Is he even producing them any more?! A fall from grace from the bespectacled wonder.

  • 16. Bicycle pumps

    Granted, the olympics are in full swing. But any DIY sex toy involving one of these is going to end up with a trip to A&E. Johnsen Frameworks

  • 17. Elastic bands

    The most domestic form of rubber good. Up there with... Johnsen Frameworks

  • 18. Plugs

    Of the drain-blocking variety. Not to be confused with number 14. Also in the rubber line...

  • 19. Swimming hats

    Sexy, but not necessarily part of your beach look this year. Pink

  • 20. The Da Vinci Code

    2003 called, it wants its best seller back.

  • 21. Pencils

    With thousands of copies of Shades littering public transport, there's no wood left for these useful scribing tools.

  • 22. Big Macs

    Tasty. But gherkins = halitosis.

  • 23. Copies of Wet Wet Wet's "Love Is All Around"

    You're still using this as a seduction technique? Awkward.

  • 24. Condoms

    The irony of Shades is that the book's so addictive that the prospect of having actual sex is just a tad, well, distracting.

  • 25. All of the items in the book combined

    Sure, you're happy enough to go and read about the whips and the chains and the other clunky bedroom accessories - but going to the extent to buy them? Meh.

  • 26. Wedding rings

    It's fair to say that any <em>Shades</em> reader is somewhat more intimidating marriage material now. Let's not get started on the white dress.

  • 27. Newspapers

    Say what? All those stories about Shades are getting dull? You'd rather read the actual book?

  • 29. The Crazy Frog ringtone

    Thank god one dreadful best seller has killed another.

  • 28. Jilly Cooper's Riders

    Yes, we are in floods of tears about this. No, <em>Shades</em> will never fill the Cooper-shaped hole in our heart.

  • 30. Dusters

    Bored housewives have far better things to do with their time now.

  • 31. Tickets to the Olympic stadium

    Despite being the equivalent of event gold dust at the moment, the amount sucked up by corporate sponsors has meant that <em>Shades</em> is a far more egalitarian option.

  • 32. Spice Girls posters

    Although we're hoping that<em> Shades</em> isn't taking the equivalent place on young girls' walls.

  • 33. Razors

    Female body hair is in, if you hadn't heard. Plus, much like point 24 states, women have far better things to do right now.

  • 34. Lady Chatterly's Lover

    It may be the thinking gal's <em>Shades</em>, but we can't believe copies are flying off the shelves.

  • 35. Mansions

    We're in the middle of a recession, don't you know?

  • 36. Bunting

    *Yawn* The Jubilee is so three months ago.

  • 37. Pegs

    Sexy instruments of mild torture are far more...shiny, these days.

  • 38. Lunchboxes

    Most people buy lunch out now, right? Secondly, after Shades, there are less coy ways of referring to a man's package.

  • 39. Coathangers

    Oh yes, because steamy sexual encounters are made by neatly hanging up one's clothes.

  • 40. CKOne

    It's unlikely Christian and Anastasia have a shower and share his'n'hers perfume after a romp.

  • 41. Kettle Chips

    Once the ultimate in middle-class wooing snack. Now the harbinger of bad breath.

  • 42. Wills and Kate mugs

    We literally shudder to think of either of them practising any of that.

  • 43. Sunglasses

    Have you been outside during the last three months at all?!

  • 44. Chicken Kievs

    We gather that breaded garlicky poultry has declined in popularity.

  • 45. Novelty ties

    See the book cover.

  • 46. One Day

    Ok, well, you probably should read this if you haven't yet, but do it in a hovel somewhere. Don't bring it up in conversation for fear of derision and mild mocking.

  • 47. Jim Sturgess

    OK - there is only one of him. But in terms of fantasy fodder, even a million of him wouldn't challenge Christian Grey.

  • 48. Tripe

    We're guessing it hasn't been all that popular for a while.

  • 49. Cosmo magazine

    Ridiculous as the sex tips offered in Shades are, people are still more likely to try them than those advised in this publication.

  • 50. Cupcakes

    If we are to be grateful to this publication for anything, it is for the death of twee.