PARENTS

The Yummy Moments Of Motherhood - Not!

10/03/2014 15:33 | Updated 22 May 2015

The yummy moments of motherhood - not!Rex

Bless Chantelle Houghton. Pregnant with Alex Reid's baby, she's declared she'll be "the yummiest mummy there is". Top marks for her positive thinking but how many of us thought that?

Laura Kemp presents the top 10 'yummiest' bits of motherhood – with apologies for the teeny dose of reality, Chantelle.

10. The Waddle

Many of us dreamed of having the tiniest little bump going – staring wide-eyed at hugely expectant mums-to-be, thinking 'that'll never happen to us'.

Sooner or later though, you'll be enormous and waddling on swollen ankles and puffing over squashed body organs.

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Walking while pregnant is not exactly catwalk. Yes, some celebs defiantly refuse to take off their high heels. But that's because a) they can't reach over their stomachs to take them off, and b) their feet are retaining swimming pools of water and they can't get them off.

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9. Pregnant bowels

We at Parentdish have never felt so glamorous as when we were scoffing apricots to abate constipation. And once we sort out our insides, our other halves can attest to the allure of being woken up in the night by the sound of not breaking but smashing wind. Sorry, Chantelle, you may be famous but your bowels are unaware of it.

8. Labour

Blood, sweat and tears. Being poked about by midwives and doctors. Mooing and panting. This is definitely an occasion when you don't want OK! Magazine capturing the moment.

7. The first fortnight of motherhood

Terrified to move your bowels in case your insides come out. Leaking through your T-shirt. Maternity pads. More tears. Stitches (complete with midwife examination on your bed). Seriously, you are going to be so 'hawt'.

Seriously, by 'hawt' we mean temperature-wise, due to mastitis, and the post-delivery secretion of body fluid. But don't worry, you'll have new sets of bags to pore over. The ones under your eyes and the baby bag which you'll triple-check for wipes, muslins, nipple cream and Pampers every time you go to take baby from one room in your house to another.

6. Baby's nappies

We can see it now. Chantelle's first interview with a celeb mag as a mum. Yes, she will be gushing about how happy she is, how motherhood has completed her, how brilliant Alex is as a dad, blah de blah. But she will also end up talking about meconium, korma nappies and how babies always go once you've just changed them at 3am.

5. Losing weight

We swore we'd get back into shape really quickly. We swore we'd be tottering around a la Posh in our 10in shoes. We swore we'd never leave the house unwashed sans make-up.

And then we ended up swearing a lot a year later when we couldn't fit into our pre-pregnancy clothes and had to buy a load in a bigger size.

Obviously, Chantelle's career depends on her losing every pound within a week so she can do a shoot to show how the weight dropped off (with the help of a personal trainer and home-delivered diet meals).

We believe this interpretation of 'yummy' is not what Mother Nature intended. She meant cakes and coffee with other new mums while discussing weaning, teething and vaccinations.

4. First girls' night out after becoming a mum

Every new mother knows how important it is to get back on the saddle, dress up, go out drinking and return home in the early hours to prove she's still got it.

The reality is a mad dash to get ready, throwing on something clean, shoving on a bit of lippy, leaving specifically specific instructions to whoever is babysitting, arriving at the bar having rung home 26 times already, feeling drunk after a glass of wine, boring everyone about baby's weaning, then falling asleep on the stool.

Luckily, we don't get papped on the way home.

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3. Work Going back to work is definitely yummy in that you have to get dressed.

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2. Holidays

We thought it would be lovely to show off our new bikini-ready bodies for baby's first holiday in the sun. After all, we've seen loads of pictures of famous women frolicking in the waves with their offspring. And then we ended up booking three nights in Cornwall in December.

1. Sex

Honestly, we couldn't wait to jump on our husbands once we'd given birth. We missed the intimate side of our relationship so much – it was an essential way of reclaiming our sense of self post-baby.*

And we couldn't wait to parade around in our yummiest underwear.**

*this is a lie

**still in maternity bras and pants six months later

Are you an anti yummy mummy? Or do you think it's important to keep up appearances?

But it's all worth it because....See below.

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