Going to the library is hard. You have to struggle out of your warm, comfortable bed at 11:30am and into a building full of haggard old librarians with a worrying passion for the library cataloging system.
The least you should get for your efforts is a space at a desk or at a computer. Yet there aren't enough of these to go around (apparently vice chancellors can't afford to buy desks for the library AND hire a butler to run them daily baths of champagne and liquidised £50 notes).
Worst of all most of the people taking up these spaces to "work" aren't really working at all.
Some place their books at a desk and then disappear for hours. No one knows where. We assume they have to go save the world or something. Either that or they're leaving more books somewhere else they might go one day. Some people are too busy telling off other students for daring to produce sound in the quiet zone to do anything themselves.
Some spend their whole time procrastinating on the internet (reading HuffPost doesn't count and is heartily encouraged) or trawling social media. Newsflash: your 28 Instagram followers can survive a couple of hours without a sepia picture of your lunch.
And we know it takes hours of thoughtful contemplation to come up with tweets like "Sitting in the Library #Library #Sitting #SittingInTheLibrary". But can't you do that somewhere else, like in your bedroom, alone, with the lights off, rocking back and forth on your bedside while sobbing and whispering "Why does no-one like me?".
Something has to happen. Library karma needs to be restored. That's why we've devised 10 ways to get revenge on the Library's most selfish citizens:
People who leave their books behind to save a desk
1) "Decorate" those books with pictures of mustaches, glasses and *ahem* other things. The closest we can get to showing you a picture of an actual penis
2) Swap their books for wildly inappropriate ones Mein Kampf? Check. Karma Sutra? Check. Strange looks? Check.
3) Kidnap their revision notes and every day send them a page in the mail until they pay you a ransom "I want 20,000 Pesos and for Oprah's bookclub to grant me immunity"
People who worry more about other people's decibel levels than their own work
1) Stand behind them and phone that Grandma who thinks that because she's talking to you from another city and thinks she has to shout for you to hear her.
2) Try to convince their friends to communicate with them exclusively in mime. How do you mime ironic punishment?
People who take up a computer and spend the whole time on social media
1) If someone is Instagramming pour your lunch all over their keyboard and start taking pictures Serving Suggestion: Try it on the keyboards of your enemies
2) If someone is Tweeting, try to explain to them what they are doing wrong. In semi-literate 140 character bursts.
3) If they're stalking someone on Facebook, stalk them around the library. "Stalking you? No, I always dress like this"
4) Attempt to rear, real, actual livestock under their desk. Passive agressive chicken rearing. It's our generation's version of the horse's head in a bed.