Freshers' Week. That once in a lifetime moment when thousands of students of different personalities and backgrounds are merged to eat, sleep and party together.
Nervous sixth formers eagerly (or not) anticipating your A-level results, we address this to you. At university, you'll make friends for life, but chances are, you'll never speak to the people who were your BMFLs in Freshers' ever again. Perhaps sometimes, that's just for the best.
The Sleeping Beauty
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He/she embodies the lazy student stereotype. You didn't really believe these people existed before you came to uni. Their main occupation is Netflix TV and pizza. They only emerge from their musty cave of a room in time for pre-drinks. Washing is superficial to them, and bedtime is 5am. Their curtains are always closed, and thy wear a distinctive Onesie attire.
The Uncomfortably Friendly One
Will probably greet you with a hug (and possibly a kiss) despite the fact you’ve just met. He/she is overly enthusiastic about life in general and will spend the entire week developing social circle and trying to be your best friend. Will not realise how annoying they are until inevitable drunken argument stemming from hidden insecurities.
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Attempts to document every single moment of Freshers’ through the art of the Selfie. Will probably accost you in the club, choke you with a friendly arm and shriek "selfie!". Often affiliated with the Uncomfortably Friendly One.
The Condescending Second Year
Will look at you disdainfully in the corridors despite being in your place only months ago. Must always have priority in the ceaseless queue for the student bar. Loud and intimidating. Do not approach.
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Regularly unconscious, the Burden will rarely make it to the club due to excessive pre-drinking. They will adopt your lap as a pillow. Worse, when they are dragged out, they will spend the majority of the evening on their knees, their head resting against the toilet, crying about how they miss their mum. Beware of the Burden.
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A socially phobic, solitary individual. Will not venture from their room unless to go to uni, the library, or Tesco Express. That’s all you need to know about the Hermit, because chances are, you’ll only ever see them scurrying along the corridors.
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Will furtively slip club promotion flyers under your door at night, creeping down the corridors of your halls in fear of getting caught. Make the mistake of accepting their Facebook friend request, and prepare to be bombarded with event invitations, news feed-clogging statuses, and, most disturbingly, personal messages that end in a desperate plea for you to join their club promotion team. Often wearing outlandish clubbing garments.
The Conscientious Individual
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A rare specimen – will have completed all preparatory reading over summer, and has probably started next semester’s too. Great for coursework help, not so much for a night out. Will only induce work-related panic attacks and the consequent cry into your kebab.
The Chef Extraodinaire
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Probably the best person you will ever meet. If you’re lucky enough to be placed in a flat with a fabulous cook whose culinary skills extend into the foreign reaches of a fully cooked meal, prepare to be the envy of all your friends. May occasionally give you brownies.
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You do things you would never do at home - eating out of date Pot Noodle is optional. Prepare to look back in a year’s time and cringe at your Freshers' alter ego. Don't worry, you'll be a sensible second year in no time at all.