Spencer Matthews - self-confessed bad boy of reality TV show Made In Chelsea - has a book out. You know what they say, you're not a somebody until you've penned an autobiography?
Okay, I'm not sure anyone has ever said that, but it seems to be the next step up the greasy ladder of stardom for anyone half famous.
Admittedly, Spenny's made a big name for himself off the back of MIC which totally qualifies him to charge people £16.99 for the privilege of reading about the time he shot some pigeons. Right? *Clutches at nearby straws*.
What can I tell you about Confessions Of A Chelsea Boy? Well, although his life is full of, in his own words, "adventure" it's no Touching The Void.
Spencer uses the word "adventure" so many times I started a tally in my head but quickly lost count and got bored. Using the word adventure does not an adventurous story make, Spenny.
Aside from the titbits laid out in the blurb about his life in Paris, St Barths, California and Chelsea the main things I took away from the read are as follows:
1. His dad is called David - which makes for some HILARIOUS bants
David. David Matthews. Dave Matthews. The Dave Matthews Band. Do you see where this is going? Spencer doesn't call his father something silly like "pops' or "dad" he calls him "The Band". *Rolls on the floor laughing*. *Gets up and dusts self off when no one realises it was sarcastic*.
I felt as if a big experience was about to begin, and it turned out to be one of the greatest adventures of my life to date.
2. His parents spent a lot of money for him not to pay attention in class
Spenny's rents forked out a fair bit to send him to Eton. While you may expect him to recount tales of strict teachers and long hours in the library, he instead spends the best part of a chapter telling the story of how he came to break a fellow boy's dormitory window with a water balloon. Good shot old chap. The main thing he took away from this exclusive school was his friendship with Proudlock. Totally worth the 30k a year.
3. He thought he was an accident
Spencer's elder brothers are more than a decade his senior, prompting a young Spenny to question whether his parents wanted him at all. *Sad face*.
4. The historical accuracy of the book is debatable
Unless the Spencer family were the first in the world to own a DVD player (they could've been, it's not impossible) then this book is historically incorrect. When talking about his first experience of porn at just eight years old in 1996, Spenny claims he watched the adult film on DVD! Duuuh, duuhhh duhhhh. DVDs didn't come into worldwide use until 1998 I'll have you know.
I fell in love on the spot... Caggie was not an ordinary girl
5. He fell in love with Caggie Dunlop on Facebook
Ah modern relationships. Spenny knew he had to have Caggie in his final year at Eton when he saw her picture on a pal's Facebook page. How romantic. So how did he manage to bag her? Persistence. Again, so romantic. Side note: he's still in love with her.
6. I should probably write a book
Aside from one near death experience and being hounded round the island of St Barthes by a dictator's son, Spenny's life isn't particularly remarkable. This revelation has spurred me to write my own book about my fairly ordinary life. One time, when I was little, I accidentally sniffed a tube of super glue and was convinced I was going to die from solvent abuse. We can all play this game (not really though).