What do you get if you take a camping trip, a girl fight and slightly embarrassing debut performance from Andy Jordan? Last night's Made in Chelsea! Will Gore reports
The majority of last night's episode of Made in Chelsea came over like a massive audition for a future series of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!, as the lads went off camping for a night.Which MiC-er will follow in the footsteps of Hugo by heading off to Australia to eat a kangaroo's scrotum while being laughed at by Ant and Dec remains to be seen, but a few of them put in a sterling effort. Proudlock made the smallest fire known to man, Boulle camouflaged himself by wearing a onesie and attaching a shrub to his head, and Andy kept everyone entertained by playing his acoustic guitar in preparation for his debut gig.
Back in London, Mark Francis was worrying whether the boys might have needed his Cartier grape scissors for the trip. Somehow they were managing fine in the great outdoors without this essential camping item, although Jamie felt the need to mess with the lads-only dynamic by getting Phoebe along for the, or possibly a, ride. The Lettice was with the other girls at a nearby spa and, after getting into a big row with Fran and Lucy, persuaded Louise to join her in heading off to find the campsite.
When they got there, Louise got the kind of welcome from Andy which angry mobs outside courtrooms normally reserve for child killers, while Jamie attempted to sweet talk Phoebe. Not impressed with the fact he had recently slept with Lucy, she told him: "You have eggs in other people's baskets." Unfortunately, he kept this weird mixed-metaphor going by replying, "I'll take all my eggs and put them in your basket," and a nation were simultaneously sick in their mouths.
Jamie might have thought at this point things weren't going too badly for him, but it was no great shock he ended the episode bereft. His behaviour allowed Spencer of all people to take the moral high ground ("His morals are completely screwed"), and Spenny later went on the attack, chucking a drink in his best boi's face. Not only did Jamie have to deal with a face full of Vodka Red Bull, but the poor sap also received the news that while he was attempting to two-time Lucy with Phoebe, Phoebe was, in fact, doing the dirty on him.
Thankfully, not everyone was as unlucky in love as Jamie this week. Up to now Irrelevant Stevie, as he's known round my way, has had about as much influence on proceedings as the bloke who plays the postman on EastEnders. But things were looking up for him as he got to take new girl Tiff on a date. As they had what looked like a minimal amount of fun making pizzas, he morphed from Irrelevant Stevie into Swiss Stevie. "I'm very good with my hands," he sniggered, stopping just short of telling her that "making a pizza is a bit like making love to a beautiful woman".
The pair of them would have been better off putting their energy to good use and aiming it at a legitimate target, namely Andy and his embarrassing debut gig. As if he hasn't been humiliated enough in Made in Chelsea with the way he's been mugged off by Louise, he's now decided put himself up for even more mockery.
With his backwards cap and beardy backing band firmly in place, he played the opposite of a blinder. Like a can of Lilt in human form, he mimed his way through a toe-curling cod reggae ditty. We were then treated to the tail end of a ballad so middle of the road it made James Blunt sound like Aphex Twin.
For some insane reason, Andy's manager Cheska seemed confident that the music industry bods in the crowd are interested in signing him up. I'm not so sure that this optimism is well founded, though. If I was Andy's manager and he had a day job (two unlikely scenarios, granted), I'd strongly be advising him not to chuck it in just yet.
LOVE THIS WRITER? Follow him on Twitter @WillGore.
See all the latest on Made in Chelsea here.