PARENTS

Real Confessions Of Sleep Deprived Parents

14/08/2014 16:55 | Updated 22 May 2015

Sleep deprived

They say children do the funniest things, but seriously they have nothing on sleep-deprived parents. The slurred speech, the goldfish memory, the lack of coordination... and these people are responsible for the survival of a new life? It's like a bad idea for a reality TV show.

But somehow we all get through it. And if nothing else, parents are never short of amusing tales to tell. Here are some of our favourites...

Cheerio chic

"One morning as I walked into the office, bedraggled and bleary-eyed, my colleague stopped me to admire my top. 'Gorgeous!' she said. 'I love those cute buttons at the back'. There were no cute buttons - just a line of Cheerios that had somehow ended up stuck to my top in the breakfast madness." Lucy, 28, Bristol

Peek-a-Boob

"'Where's the baby?' I shouted in abject panic as my husband walked into the room empty-handed. 'You're breastfeeding him,' he replied." Emma, 23, Weymouth

Pillow talk

"I woke up at 4am with a start thinking the baby was crying, so assuming he wanted feeding I woke up my girlfriend and very carefully passed him over to her. 'Ruben is in his cot,' she said. 'But thanks for the extra pillow'." Michael, 36, Edinburgh

Boardroom baby

"I went in to an executive meeting where I was doing a presentation and printed the wrong papers for the hand-outs. Nervous, flustered and incredibly sleep deprived, I blurted out in a baby voice, 'Oh no, mummy is silly!'.

"There was a painful silence for what was probably about two seconds but seemed like a lifetime. I eventually collected myself and said, resuming my normal adult voice, 'Right I will be back in a second with the correct papers', at which point everyone burst out into laughter." Sue, 29, Cookham

Sleeping on the job

"I nodded off in the middle of a management training conference. Waking with a start in front of about 50 people, I jumped up, slapped my shoulder and gasped, 'Oh thank god! I thought I was still wearing my 'sick rag'!" Isabelle, 27, Leeds

Calling around... and around

"I was so pleased with myself for finally managing to get a washing load on, I decided to do a jokey Facebook update about being a domestic goddess. But I couldn't find my phone anywhere. Then I heard the gentle, rhythmic clunk coming from the washing machine." Melanie, 39, Leyland

Down the pan

"I threw my dirty socks straight into the toilet instead of the washing basket after one particularly bad sleepless night. Everybody's done that, right?" Graham, 33, Durham

All dressed up and nowhere to go

"My diary-keeping having gone right out of the window after my son was born, I turned up to a champagne dinner at the Royal College of Physicians in black tie, full make-up and heels, a salon blow-dry, the works... on the wrong night. The worst part was having to get ready all over again and go back the next night. The security man found it hilarious though." Tori, 34, Oxford

Parking amnesia

"I lost the car for three days. I eventually found it round the corner from my house. To this day, I don't remember parking it there." Lizzie, 30, Stoke-On-Trent

Hey Mr Postman

"I answered the door to a mortified postman with my right breast happily dangling over the top of my vest top. I just hadn't bothered tucking it away. The amount my son, Sam, fed it just never seemed worth it. I never saw that postman again." Jane, 38, Scarborough

Size matters

"I was at a friend's house, sitting on her sofa with the baby on my lap. We were about to make a move so I started gathering my things together and getting ready while still chatting. My friend suddenly started laughing hysterically and pointing at me. I looked down to see that I was attempting to put my tiny three-month-old daughter's arm into the sleeve of my adult-sized Barbour jacket." Anna, 27, Lewes

Liquid lunch

"While in a 1 o'clock work meeting, I took out my lunch and set it out on the table in front of me. Noticing the suppressed giggles of the man sitting opposite me, I said, 'What? I have back-to-back meetings. Have you never seen someone eat lunch in a meeting before?'. 'It's not that,' he said. I looked down to see that my cheese sandwich was actually a carton of formula and a sterilised bottle." Collette, 35, Southport

Kid-nap

"My daughter would only ever go to sleep outside, while being pushed in the pram over a bumpy surface – not great given this was in the middle of winter in Norway. One night, I was pushing her until she eventually fell asleep at 2am.

"Exhausted, I decided to rest on a bench at the bus stop for a couple of minutes. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know I'm surrounded by three policemen threatening to take me to the station for questioning. With my limited Norwegian it took me some time to explain." Rachel, 24, Preston

Who's the daddy?

"I knew the sleep deprivation had gone too far in our house when I went to put the bib on my husband instead of the baby. I don't know whether that was the telling sign or the fact that he didn't even seem to notice." Louise, 30, Richmond

Hat trick

"My boyfriend Kenny and I were meeting some friends for Sunday lunch at the pub. As we walked up to the table everyone started laughing and pointing at Kenny. I turned round to see that he was standing there with our baby boy's tiny hat balanced on top of his head.

"We deduced he must have put his own hat down in its usual spot without noticing the baby's hat was sitting there. He then accidentally picked them both up together on his way out of the door so when he took his hat off the baby's was left sitting there on his head." Jasmine, 26, Bexley

Love is blind

"My husband walked into the living room to find me sitting there, staring vacantly with my glasses completely smeared in cream so I couldn't see a thing. I'd been liberally applying moisturiser to my face having forgotten to take my specs off first but was so tired I just couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. He took them off me, cleaned them up and put them back on my face without saying a word." Nikki, 28, Nottingham

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