Welcome to the first edition of my new TV column for MyDaily. From now until the end of the internet, I'll be giving you a weekly run down of the best and worst programmes coming your way.
And the rules are very simple. If I tell you a show is not to be missed then you must watch it and in return I'll warn you every time Piers Morgan is going to be on TV. Have we got a deal? Good, then we can get this blog-shaped party started...
Must watch... I thought I'd go safe for my first Idiot Box recommendation. Masterchef starts up again tonight (BBC Two, 8.30pm), with the first of four episodes to be shown this week. This latest run is a Professionals edition and the early episodes feature the usual mix of shaky-handed quenelle botchers and overconfident tuile sculptors. Highlights of these initial instalments include Michel Roux Jr knocking up something called beer soup, a dish that might just be the solution to everything, and a bloke who tries to "demonstrate his quirky side" by cooking a quinoa rice pudding. The result is easily the most disgusting thing you'll see on TV this week.
Maybe watch... I'm not convinced Fresh Meat, which returns to Chanel 4 tonight at 10pm, is as brilliant as Twitter says it is. In my less than humble opinion, it's one of those programmes tagged with a "comedy-drama" label because the jokes aren't funny enough. I also have the added problem that even limited exposure to Jack Whitehall brings me out in a rash. Perhaps this first new episode, in which a Mexican bloke moves into the student pad and the lads form a pulling unit called Team Hard On, will finally win me round* (*I've watched it and it didn't.)
Drinking bleach would be more fun than watching... Maybe The Woman With 40 Cats and Other Pet Hoarders could be a searing, slice of life documentary that has us all questioning the future of our planet and the meaning of existence. It's on Five though, so I doubt it (Monday, 9pm).
Soaps duds... In that time honoured EastEnders tradition, Bianca has been spending a few months up in Manchester, but everyone's favourite gobby ginger returns to Albert Square on Tuesday night with a married man (played by stand-up Terry Alderton) and his kids in tow.
Film of the Week... Probably not worth staying up into the early hours for, but stick Greenberg (Channel 4, Friday, 1.30am) on to record if you enjoyed any of writer-director Noah Baumbach's other films which include The Squid and the Whale and Frances Ha. Ben Stiller stars as the eponymous anti-hero who is getting his life back on track after a breakdown.
Catch up with.... A fine cast, including David Tennant, Sophie Okonedo and Toby Kebell, has been assembled for this three-part legal thriller, The Escape Artist. The first instalment is up on iPlayer now, with the second episode on BBC One tomorrow at 9pm.