Dancing with our kids is the ultimate guilty pleasure – and here are 15 tracks guaranteed to shake the playroom. Just remember to draw the curtains first...
1. Katrina And The Waves - Walking On Sunshine
It's 6.47am. You're sat in an off-white dressing gown, hair scraped back in a scrunchie, eyebags like prunes, contemplating a day of potty training. And yet, faced with that infectious parp of horns, resistance is useless. Your mood evaporates like morning mist, your water-retaining feet start to shuffle, and your toddlers drag you up. Let the dance-off commence...
From: Katrina And The Waves (1985)
2. Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca
Admittedly, your own 'vida loca' is now a monotonous cycle of school run and supermarket, but it's hard not to be swept up as this Latin classic washes over your kitchen like a tropical wave, prompting you and your kids to bump and grind. You look ridiculous, but it feels so good...
From: Ricky Martin (1991)
3. Tony Christie - (Is This The Way To) Amarillo
The appeal of Tony Christie's novelty hit is deciding which move to pull during the 'bam-bam!' bits. Stamp the floor. Slap your arse. Buck your hips. Whichever option you choose, chances are, you would genuinely rather a sex tape of yourself was released onto YouTube than footage of this.
From: Definitive Collection (2008)
4. Van Halen - Jump
Granted, your pelvic floor isn't up to jumping so much these days, but all kids go nuts for this 1983 poodle-metal classic. Just make sure you don't slam them through the playroom ceiling while you're bouncing them during the chorus.
From: 1984 (1984)
5. Christina Aguilera - Candyman
Despite sounding like a war-time show tune that might have played while your gran danced with a soldier circa 1942, Candyman is ass-shaking pre-school gold. Just remember to cough strategically over the youth-corrupting lyrics ("makes my cherry pop... makes my panties drop" etc) and Christina's occasional orgasmic moans.
From: Back To Basics (2006)
6. Gipsy Kings - You've Got A Friend In Me
Your kids love it because it was in Toy Story 3. You love it because it reminds you of long-distant package holidays, necking Sol all night and waking up on the beach with one shoe missing, surrounded by tutting Spanish fishermen. Ah, happy days...
From: Toy Story Music Mania (2010)
7. Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire
Strategically placed halfway through our playlist, because it's slightly slower than the rest, and God knows you'll be sweating like an ox by this point. Johnny's 1963 classic is a guaranteed favourite, even if the title is an unwelcome reminder of the agony of your baby's crowning head...
From: Greatest Hits (2008)
8. The Pogues - Fiesta
Once you've got your breath back, try Fiesta, whose manic trumpet riff is not only perfect for crazed gambolling, but also captures the anarchy of being stripped to the waist at a Spanish festival, pelting strangers with ripe tomatoes. And God knows that would be preferable to Center Parcs...
From: If I Should Fall From Grace With God (1988)
9. Sugababes - Round Round
Taking the lyrics literally, your children will doubtless instigate a frenzied ring-a-roses, until one of them breaks off, staggers punch-drunk across the front room and takes out the ironing board.
From: Overloaded (2006)
10. ABBA - Dancing Queen
Hits compilation ABBA Gold is a goldmine for toddler-friendly tunes, and Dancing Queen is the pick: an air-piano classic so catchy that you'll probably miss the fact it's actually about a teenage slapper ("You're a teaser, you turn them on, leave them burning and then you're gone...").
From: ABBA Gold (2004)
11. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
The ultimate air guitar track. For added authenticity, why not create a makeshift version of Justin Hawkins' catsuit by unpoppering their romper suit to the waist...?
From: Permission To Land (2003)
12. Vampire Weekend - A-Punk
A perennial favourite, partly for the weird, swaying, hypnotic snake-dance your kids do during the psychedelic bit (which makes them look like an acid casualty at the Woodstock Festival), but also because even a pre-schooler that doesn't know its phonics can shout the "Eh! Eh! Eh!" chorus.
From: Vampire Weekend (2008)
13. Mika - Grace Kelly
Scientific tests have proven that Mika's 1997 hit is the campest song ever, but it's also clinically impossible not to mince flamboyantly around the playroom during that chorus, even if you're a bricklayer with tattoos on your knuckles.
From: Life In Cartoon Motion (2007)
14. The Vaccines - Norgaard
Über-cool indie stars The Vaccines would presumably be horrified to learn that their power-punk 2011 single is being employed by countless suburban families to send their toddlers mental. Norgaard is a minute-and-a-half of pure aural Prozac, complete with harmonies that your kids can squeal away to. Just watch out for the 'tits' reference in the second verse.
From: What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? (2011)
15. Beyoncé - Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)
Come on: who doesn't enjoy watching their three-year-old daughter strutting, pouting, wagging a finger and shaking a bottom that until recently was clad in a Pampers Active Fit...?
From: I Am Sasha Fierce (2008)
And that's it. You're spent. Red-faced and tongue lolling like a thirsty dog, your back has just gone and there's a man from British Gas looking through the letterbox with an arched eyebrow. Better stop the dance-off now, eh...?
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