PARENTS

Overheard From The Backseat: Funny Things Kids Say In Cars

09/09/2014 16:24 | Updated 20 May 2015

Brother and sister in backseat of car

The car journey - a simple concept before you have kids. But once you're a parent, you're at your children's mercy thanks to their fighting, moaning, sickness and cries of "I need a wee" two seconds after you've left the house.

But a drive also seems to stir their imaginations in peculiar ways and can lead to some hilarious observations.

Here are some children's comments that may be frighteningly familiar to you:

1. "Mummy, why is that man doing that funny wave at you with two-fingers?"

This one happens when you enter a roundabout in the left hand lane but realise your exit is the third on the right. The 'wave' is actually you-know-what but you couldn't possibly tell them that. Simply say it's a special salute for when Mummy's doing her very best driving.

2. "What happens when we die?"

"You're so stupid. Everyone knows you go to Devon"

Older siblings will never refuse the chance to insult kid brothers and sisters over their lesser knowledge. So it's nice when they get it wrong, hysterically so.

3. "Can I wee into my drinks bottle? Because Daddy lets me do it in the car"

In other words, always use the sniff test on any liquid in containers rolling around in the footwells.

4. "Is my car seat also an ejector seat like in James Bond?"

No but sometimes when you're arguing in the back we wish we could push a button and eject you. Failing that, we could get one of those screens like they have in a black cab to block out the noise.

5."Daddy says only mummies can have babies but I saw a man yesterday who was so fat he definitely had one in his tummy"

We all know which one we'd pick when it comes to the choice between explaining female anatomy and the importance of not hurting people's feelings.

6. "Good job I was smiling when that speed camera flashed!"

Oh, the innocence.

7. "Mum, do you remember that time you drove off with that cup of coffee/bag of shopping/your handbag on the roof of the car and you caused a crash?"

Yes, I do remember it because you never fail to mention it, particularly when we're giving someone a lift who's never heard the story before.

8."I can undo my seatbelt. Look!"

Cue frantic peering into the mirror, turning of head, waving of one arm and orders to do it right back up this minute. Usually on the motorway when you're at 70mph. When that approach fails, do the child psychology bit: "You're so clever! I bet you can't do it back up again!"

9."When I grow up I want to be a snail so I can carry my house about with me in case I need a sleep."

Can't argue with this!

10. "Hahaha, Mum! That man has such a big nose!"

This is only ever said when the windows are all down, you're sat in traffic lights and the music on the radio suddenly stops. All within earshot of said man with a massive nose.

11. "Granny says she's a much safer driver than you, Mummy"

Oh, does she? How interesting.

12. "Can you do some wiggly driving like Granddad does?"

What? That was out-lawed at the same time seat belts were brought in. I must have a word with him.

13. "Can we go to the McDonald's drive-through because Daddy always does when we go out but we're not allowed to tell you."

The traitor.

14. "Girls are better than boys because we wee by ourselves but they have to use a tap."

It's girl power gone wrong but we can see the reasoning!

15. "When I'm bigger I'm going to get a much better car than this one. It's rubbish."

Whereas you might consider you've done all right in life, this reveals what your kids really think of you. You're a flop. This deserves a full 'life is unfair so get used to it' lecture.

16. "Do birds hate cars?"

"Why?"

"Because they always poo on them."

It's a ridiculous idea but now we come to think of it...

17. "Mummies get Mother's Day, Daddies get Father's Day, and we get nothing."

Er, every blimming day is Children's Day.

18."If I stick my head out in the car wash, can I not have a bath tonight?"

Nice try but no.

19."Pooh, can you smell that?"

"It's just the cows."

"I don't think it is because the baby's just done his poop face."

This will happen when you've just left the services and the next stop is 50 miles away.

* Please note any variation on "Are we there yet?" such as "How many miles to go?" and "How many minutes until we're there?" are never funny. Ever.

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