LIFESTYLE

30 Things That Are Completely Rubbish About Being 30

15/09/2014 11:16 BST | Updated 15/09/2014 17:59 BST
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People might tell you that turning 30 leads to great wisdom and self assurance, but, as Prince Harry is about to find out, what it really means is that you can no longer act like the giant tit carefree joker you once were in your 20s.

Otherwise, you end up looking like this:

It's the age of extreme pressure - what you should have achieved, what you haven't achieved, and what you will never achieve - all measured by the barometer of your peer's successes. And you thought post-uni was bad.

Here are 30 reasons why we're not so crazy about our 30s (as we rub anti-inflammatory cream on our backs)...

1) You aren't married yet, and from the way your family talks about it, if you don't find someone soon your genitals will immediately shrivel up and you will die alone, face down in the pond of your cornflake milk.

2) You are married but you discover that it is not like Disney said it would be. Marriage doesn't fix your low self esteem or your crappy job, in fact, it actually complicates things because now you're saddled with someone else's baggage/snoring/farting/inability to load a dishwasher.

3) You can vaguely remember what it once was like in those halcyon days before you got hangovers. But sadly your brain still hurts from the drinking you did two days ago.

4) One morning, you realise that those creases on your face were not made by your pillow. They ARE your face.

5) The realisation that if you had used anti-wrinkle cream in your 20s, rather than boozing, sunbathing and smoking, you would have avoided at least five of your wrinkles.

6) Wishing you had a time machine to change some of the mistakes in your past re: wrinkles, bad relationship choices and career. Then realising that the most iconic time-travelling film, Back To The Future came out nearly 30 years ago.

7) You are literally going to stab the next person that mentions your ticking biological clock.

8) You also want to stab people that misuse the word literally.

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9) You find yourself signing up to yet another triathlon/marathon/endurance challenge to prove you aren't past it, even though all you want to do is nurse your creaky knees and have a cup of tea.

10) "After thirty, a body has a mind of its own," said Bette Midler. It now takes you three times the amount of effort to shed weight you would have burned off in your twenties just by lifting your pint glass to your mouth.

11) There is a mysterious, inescapable tire around your tummy that refuses to go away no matter how much exercise you do.

12) Grey pubes. There is no sugar-coating this one.

13) The slow realisation that in 10 years time, there may be more hair downstairs than there is upstairs.

14) Once you hit your mid-thirties, having to tick the 35 - 44 bracket.

15) 'I'm so tired' is the most uttered sentence you say in any one day.

16) On the nights you do to drag yourself out, you utter the words you would've killed yourself for saying in your 20s: "I'm getting the last train home."

17) And then when you don't, and you let your (remaining strands of) hair down, you find that you can no longer get away with saying 'wheeee!' as a mate pushes you in a shopping trolley. And that mates aren't as forgiving when you vomit in their bathroom and clog their sink.

18) You cannot remember the last time your back didn't hurt and you're starting to make a noise when you get up from a chair.

19) If you're a single woman, you are approached online by people that look like they've escaped from prison and are at least 20 years older than you.

20) If you're a single man, you realise that dating someone in their 20s presents its challenges, not least of which they have no idea what The Goonies is or lived in an era before mobile phones.

21) Fancy doing X-Factor? You'd be in the OAP category, the over 25s, which once included Wagner.

22) Mortgages. You either have one, in which case you're permanently terrified of losing your job and being unable to make payments. Or you're made to feel like a shiftless loser because you're in your 30s and still renting.

23) All your fun mates start having babies. We know it's part of the circle of life, that it's natural progression, etc, but they've still turned into boring bastards than only ever talk about their kids.

24) In your whole life, you would have rather snogged Piers Morgan for a dare than gone on a Club 18- 30 holiday. But there is something about not even being given the choice to be snobby about it, that makes us weep.

25) Instead of going to brunch on a Saturday, we're being dragged to Homebase.

26) Uni ended, er, at least nine years ago yet you are STILL in your overdraft.

27) People have stopped giving you presents. And when they do, it's gifts for your house.

28) You now have to wait three months before you can arrange your next social engagement with your mates.

29) Speaking of mates, you have about one-third of those you did in your 20s until all that will be left is some guy named Dave.

30) It really is the decade of denial. As CS Lewis said: "I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult."

Share your thoughts about being in your 30s in the comments below...