Hooray! It's time for the annual Kardashian Kristmas Kard - sorry, Christmas card. This year the reality television family has offered up an icy blue bowtie-infested slice of ridiculousness so join us as we muse upon Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and the rest.
From the left - mostly because we want to end with Kourtney:
1. Rob Kardashian has symbolically turned his back on his family.
2. Kendall is all clearly taking her model credentials and running with them in an outfit that explains:"This is FASHION, bitches."
3. Kylie has inherited the gene which causes enthusiasm for a pussy bow blouse, no matter the occasion. (In the interests of full disclosure, we actually like Kylie's outfit)
4. Bruce Jenner appears to have had some kind of disagreement with Kris and can no longer look at her or her shiny shiny dress. That said, he reveals himself to be a complicated man of passion because - as Clueless teaches us - crossing your legs towards another human being is "an unequivocal sex invite". Make up your mind, man!
5. Kris Jenner envisions herself as the central character - the hub from which each Kardashian may create a spin-off series. She is also wearing a Dolce & Gabbana sequin dress previously seen on X Factor judge Tulisa and on Andrea Riseborough. The latter two did not accessorise with a faux collar and bowtie. More fool them.
6. Khloe is wearing a mesh veil over her face - yes, we've looked that closely, what of it? Her expression is "I'm on Midsomer Murders and have just heard a significant piece of information that interferes with my prior scheming".
7. Lamar is looking into the distance. Possibly towards Dallas, Texas as he has a psychic premonition of his being traded to the Mavericks.
8. Kim. Kim is alone. This picture was taken around three weeks after she announced her divorce from Kris Humphries. In the grand tradition of art historical portrait symbolism, Kim is standing in front of a pillar to show her strength in this troubled time. Pictorially, she and Bruce Jenner are the pillars of the family. The pillars are supporting three breast shaped arches. This probably tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about the Kardashians EVER so well done to photographer, Nick Saglimbeni.
9. Mason has just closed a business deal worth millions. His tiny dress shoes are adorable.
10. Empty chair. This could symbolise many things. The anticipated arrival of Kourtney and Scott's second baby next year. The ghost of Kris Humphries and his annulment request on the grounds of "fraud". An errant set dresser who absent mindedly left a chair on a theatrical staircase. Many things.
11. Scott has been replaced with a cardboard cutout of Scott. This has angered Kourtney. Speaking of whom...
12. Kourtney wins the prize for the most oddness all in one place. There's a wooly-or-possibly-feathery shrug, a pair of stocking socks, a belt which makes it look like a ghost may be about to give her the Heimlich Maneuver and her bottom and her breasts are making a break for it in different directions. We sincerely hope that Photoshop was involved. The alternative doesn't really bear thinking about.
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Well, that was fun. We wish the Kardashian Kristmas Kard was like a big budget Hollywood movie and came in 3D as well though. We wouldn't even mind if it wasn't polarised glasses type 3D. In fact we would PREFER if it wasn't. What's that? There's a shonky 3D version that just requires you to fish out a pair of red and blue glasses? Well that's perfect!
Steal the Kardashians' Kristmas theme and shop pussy bows and bow ties at MyDaily Store: