Throw the guidebooks away, switch off the internet (after you've read and shared this). We've found the only 10 tips you'll ever need to know to win at parenting:
1. COMPETITIVE MUMS: Fool other mums into thinking your child is a genius by lying about his age.
2. CHILDLESS WOMEN: Avoid being asked why you haven't got kids by not washing your hair for three weeks, popping one boob out of your top and smearing vomit on your right shoulder.
3. BABIES AND TODDLERS: Get your parents back for all those Facebook updates about your toilet accidents and 'adorably stupid things you said' by waiting patiently until they are senile.
4. AERONAUTICAL ENGINEER PARENTS: Whatever glue you are using to stick plane parts together, swap it for your baby's leftover mashed banana or dry cereal – and be safe in the knowledge those parts will never budge.
5. SUPERMARKET MANAGERS: To avoid the cacophony of dozens of parents yelling at the same time, swap your terrible muzak for a recording of someone saying the following phrases on repeat: "Don't touch that", "put that down", "don't lick it, it's an onion".
6. DISORGANISED MUMS: Fool other mums into thinking you arrive at all the toddler groups super-early by pretending you are simply three hours early for the following session.
7. TELLY ADDICTS: Turn the volume right down on your baby monitor to avoid being interrupted while watching DVD box-sets.
8. SLEEP-DEPRIVED NEWBORN PARENTS: Prevent any violent altercations with well-meaning strangers in the street by wearing a hat, saying "No, he's not f***ing hungry!"
9. MUMS: Avoid the tedium of everyone banging on about how much your baby looks like your other half by conceiving the baby with another man you'll never see again.
10. WEANING MUMS: Avoid any explosive nappy situations while you're out and about by weaning your baby on a simple diet of white bread and Haribo.
Do you have any more tongue in cheek alternative parenting strategies to add?
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