Absolutely Everyone Is Getting Married Except For You, New Statistics Show

Further evidence emerged today that absolutely everybody in the world is getting married apart from you.

A sample survey from the Mail Online showed that 90% of people have recently got hitched or are expected to walk down the aisle any day now.

"The wonderful thing about this survey is that it proves no matter what your age, gender or sexuality, everyone is blissfully happy and settling down with the love of the life," said the Daily Mail, "apart from you."

The remaining 10% of people are currently on holiday "flaunting their bikini bodies," said the Mail.

Jennifer Aniston remains unmarried.