So with her very kind permission, we bring you the 25 signs that you are a parent...
1. Someone steps on your breast by mistake.
2. Your slipper is taken off and shoved into your face while you (continue to) have breakfast.
3. There is an email sitting in your inbox titled Head Lice.
4. Things like "I wish I could have a trunk" are being said and they don't seem all that strange.
5. Things like: "you generally shouldn't put things in your bum. It's a rule of thumb" are also being said.
6. There is something called an Exersaucer in the middle of your living room.
7. There's an underwearless three-year-old boy face down in the Exersaucer. He is yelling "help, I'm stuck on a cliff" while in the background there is relentless hysterical infant crying.
8. Someone is conversing with you while you are sleeping.
9. Someone is conversing with you while you brush your teeth.
10. Someone is conversing with you while you are peeing and expects you to play hide and seek.
11. You're in bed with your eyes closed. You fought too hard for this and you're never ever opening your eyes, even if it means letting someone walk on your rib cage, step on your head and pluck your hair out, even it means airway blockage and suffocation by a stuffed toy, even if it means responding to the question that is asked repeatedly "mommy, did it tick yet?", I am still sleeping through this, damnit.
12. You never get to drink a cup of tea/coffee while it's still warm.
13. You never get to finish a cup of tea/coffee.
14. There's a cake slicer shaped like a high heel shoe, an egg beater and a swim board on your bathroom floor.
15. You feel strangely nostalgic as you notice the high heel shoe shaped cake slicer.
16. You consider a trip to IKEA with your husband to replace a mattress a date.
17. You wear your high heels for the first time in months (why did I think of those?) and the new totally rocking faux fur vest. There's a big Charlie Brown sticker dangling from the faux fur you're wearing for the very first time.
18. You wake up at 7:20am. You lucky dawg!
19. You have no idea what Rita Ora or One Direction sing but the Excesaucer tunes are looping in your head.
20. Losing him is like your worst nightmare. I apologise, bad choice of words. Losing him is like a nuclear holocaust.
21. You get excited when you see a rubbish lorry.
22. You have to stop yourself from saying fighted, eated and breaked.
23. No more mid day sweet tooth indulgence and if it's a real emergency and you just NEED to eat your chocolate cake right now before something really bad happens, you'll hide like the criminal that you are, so no one knows you eated it.
24. This is what a phone conversation with a friend sounds like: Hey friend, (Yes, 3 Year Old, I'm boiling the water for your hot chocolate. Warm chocolate, sorry). Yes, friend, sorry, I'm with you now, go ahead. (Yes, 3 Year Old, I'm still boiling the water for your warm chocolate. 3 Year Old, 3 Year Old, don't do this, you'll fall!) Sorry, friend. (Oh, wow, awesome!) Sorry, yes, talk to me, I'm listening, I can talk and listen at the same time. (Arrrrrgh, yoho and a bottle of rum!)
25. You're at home, headed toward the kitchen. You step on something and it either starts playing music, lights up or yells "Caterpillar power!" You pick it up and put it back in its place even though you're fully aware you'll be tripping on it again in 10 minutes.
For more funny, warm blog posts check out iamthemilk.wordpress.com.
Katia writes about her two boys, 3 Year Old and 6 Month Old and occasionally about her husband, 36 Year Old. She covers topics like mothering boys, insomnia and infertility. She is currently on her second maternity leave fulfilling a life long dream of writing and making people laugh and sometimes cry, which was not her dream nor her intention.
Do you recognise all, some or any of these 25? Any more to add?
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