Ssssshhhh! I have taken over this blog while Mummy is busy watching some important 'news' programme, or so she claims. I know she is fibbing, and really watching Homes Under the Hammer.
Now let me tell you something – I wasn't very keen on my brother when Mummy and Daddy first brought him home from hospital. Well, he was a bit smelly, cried all the time and everyone kept coming round to see him – and not me.
But as he's grown up and got bigger (although not as big as me, as I'm nearly five), it turns out there are some advantages to having a little bro, which I'm going to share with you here:
Little brothers are good for fetching things, especially when you are busy playing with something else and can't be bothered to get up.
When you break something, or do something naughty (which I never do) – you can blame your little brother, as he can't answer back.....
In fact you must grass him up at every available opportunity to get him into trouble. It is written in the Big Sister's Code of Conduct. So there.
When he does start talking, and copies everything you say, you can also get him into trouble by encouraging him to say naughty words, like poo, wee and bum. When he gets told off he will cry. And you will laugh.
Stealing his comforter or favourite cuddly toy, also has the same desired effect, as outlined above.
You get to push him – FAST – on the slide, swing, or when he's in the push chair, which again makes him cry.
When it's his birthday, you get to open his presents, as obviously he is younger than you and too little to do it by himself. The same goes for Christmas. This also proves a vital opportunity to check out what he's got and see if it's better than your presents, with a view to stealing swapping them if so.
A little brother can be just like having a real-life size dolly – and you can dress him up and do his hair all pretty.
When Mummy or Daddy has told him off, it is your job as the older sister to tell him again (several hundred times) so he knows just how naughty he has been.
You can take his toys away from him and not share yours in return.
Alternatively, while you are at school you can hide all the things you don't want him to play with while you are not there.
When you have friends over to play, you don't have to let him join in, unless you need a poor, unsuspecting victim patient to play doctors and nurses with, or a baby when playing mummies and daddies.
You can helpfully finish off his drawings for him – well his are only scribbles anyway.
When he's having his photo taken on his own – sneak into the background and photo-bomb him, so you are in the picture too. We don't want him getting all the attention do we?!
Wrestle and play fight with him at every opportunity before he gets too big – ie bigger than you – so that you always win.
Under no circumstances should you eat anything he touches – who knows what he's 'got', well he is a boy.
Whenever he does something funny or clever, you must copy him, and do something as equally impressive to regain Mummy and Daddy's attention.
The same applies if he hurts himself – you must feign the same, if not a more serious injury, to restore the balance of attention, ie to you.
Always make sure he is behind you. You are the older sibling and therefore should be at the front when going downstairs, running, or getting to the car first.
Remember little girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. Little boys are smelly and made of snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, and it's your duty to remind everyone of this at every opportunity.
As the older one you must also constantly tell him that everything he does is wrong and then show him how to do it correctly.
Finally, don't forget to love him sometimes – well he is your brother after all!
More on Parentdish: