I didn't really have a birth plan as such. I went with the flow. Went to one ill fated birthing class at the hospital that was all group drama and weird pictures of 70s people giving birth in the nude (the husband too?). I just reckoned well, they have to come out. It's going to hurt. But they will just come out eventually. And I will have a baby. Ace.
Cue a few months later. After a sweep, my waters popped rather loudly in bed and I went into labour. We did the whole rushing to the hospital thing. Then the hospital did the whole "sod off you've got hours to go you loon" a few times.
And after very many hours of water dripping everywhere around my house from my privates, I went into be induced. A few hands up later. And it transpired my girl was breech. The git. And an emergency C Section ensued. Poor sod. Every boyfriend will be told she came out arse first. To prepare yourself for an emergency C Section just be mindful of the following things. It happens very quickly. Hence the word 'emergency'. They ask you to sign a disclaimer form with lots of very scary things on it. But don't worry. This happens with even the most minor operation so please don't start weeping like my husband did.
Also don't try and take your clothes off to put on scrubs like my husband did. That's just silly. Regardless of all your thoughts and longings for a lovely home birth, or listening to the soundtrack to Les Mis whilst your little one is brought into the world, an emergency C Section is to get you to have a baby as safely as possible. It is a necessity. There is nothing you can do to make it otherwise. Sometimes things do not go to plan. And that's OK.
After my girl was brought into the world arse first. I was a little sad. I was sad there wasn't that moment where you feel like a hero pushing this huge thing out of a rather tiny hole. I was sad that my husband couldn't see her little head (or bum) crowning. I felt like a failure.
Some of the rather helpful comments since have been the 'hilarious' banter: "Well, you're not a real woman as you didn't even give birth".
Along with the odd mum in a baby club saying "Oh of course! You don't know what it's like to give birth". Sigh.
In that exhausting post birth haze I began to feel really sorry for myself. But with the benefit of hindsight I now truly believe each birthing experience is different. And we really must stop all this one upmanship when it comes to our gory nether regions.
Whether your labour is one hour or three days. If your baby is born into a beautiful watery environment or pulled out by a surgeon's hand. Surely all that matters at the end of the day is that everything is OK? It's not ideal to have your stomach cut open, but it is necessary.
Things to remember if you do have to have an emergency C Section are the following:
I'm not going to lie. It does smart a bit. I found the feeling to be a strange tugging sensation and then for the next 24hrs I was off my feet. But they soon get you up and in the shower. Recovery is like any operation. You're going to be sore. But I am presuming it is no more sorer than your privates being stretched.
Post birth don't be a big old martyr and try and be super woman. You have had major surgery. If you need help as your new baby has puked everywhere and you you can't move your legs yet? Press that buzzer and ask for help.
Everything post birth is the same. You still have the doom that is lochia. So you can tick that 'normal birth' box for that! Tell that to them down the bloomin baby club! Actually don't. It's gross.
You will be staying in hospital an extra night to recover. Try not to be too upset by this. See it as the chance to ask those last minute questions before you go home. And even try and have a little rest if you can (laughs at the thought of a rest with a newborn).
Remember for six weeks you won't be able to drive. I was HORRIFIED by this but in reality for the first six weeks with a new baby it is good to stay in. Make the most of being spoilt and looked after. Don't go around vacuuming and doing loads of washing. When my husband had a back operation he milked it for all it was worth. So you do the same.
Be kind to yourself. Hey things didn't go to plan! But both you and your baby are safe so really that's all that matters. It might not seem it at the time when you rip your birth plan into a million pieces. But it really is.
I did none of the above. I cleaned the house like a mad woman and subsequently had to go to the doctors when my scar went a bit how, shall I say it politely 'unusual'. Went out all the time (down the shops, not out out) and felt a big old massive failure. Almost apologising to people for 'only' having a C Section. Do not do that. It's daft.
You may in time come across the very rare new mum that tries to out-do you with their 'horrible tearing of their privates story'. Dismissing you for your easy (HA) birth. You have one of two routes: 1) pull down your pants and show them your huge scar - but if you are in a soft play this could result in arrest
or 2) smile sweetly and agree. All the time in your head thinking of your lovely and beautiful baby that you saved by not giving birth the 'normal' way. Oh, and calling them a twat under your breath.
More on Parentdish: The things parents do for love
More:Is It Just Me?
Suggested For You
SUBSCRIBE AND FOLLOW
Get top stories and blog posts emailed to me each day. Newsletters may offer personalized content or advertisements.Learn more