I never used to be late anywhere. I was always at least 10 minutes early. I also didn't have kids. Which means I had a clean house and pillows that never wandered away from the bed or couch.
These days I have to start getting everyone ready at least an hour ahead of time. Even then, we're still late and it's usually because:
1. I have to wait for my two-year-old to put her trousers on because: "Mummy, I do it!"
First, both legs in one leg hole. Then, one leg in one leg hole and the other leg in a leg hole that was inside out. Then, both legs in the opposite leg hole. One leg in a leg hole and one leg in a shirt hole. Sometimes she'll wave a leg hole, indicating surrender, and let me help. Other times we leave with her wearing her trousers in a way only Lady Gaga can appreciate.
2. Everyone in my house moves at 0 miles per hour.
- The child who doesn't have their jacket on decided this is the moment to put their train set together.
- The child who doesn't have a shirt on decided this is the moment to look for a toy we don't own.
- The child without their shoes on is sitting on the kitchen stairs with their shoe in their mouth.
- No one is near the car.
3. I can never find my car keys.
Let's face it, I haven't been able to find my brain since the birth of my first child. If my keys are not in the ignition, on the key hook, or taped to my forehead, I'm not going to find them.
4. I have to go back home for a 'second'.
On the way, someone realises they forgot their favorite bear and the fabric of the universe is going to tear if we didn't turn around right now. Of course, once we get home no one remembered where it was. Six hours later, here we are - minus the bear, which somehow got lost in the car on the way. Which means we might be here for another five and a half hours, just so you know.
5. My kids forgot where the garage is.
Except when we don't have to go anywhere. Then it becomes a magical room full of things that don't belong to them.
6. Everyone has to go potty.
- The first one said they didn't have to go.
- The second one did have to go, but they needed privacy. Then they needed the step stool. Finally, they needed more toilet paper because whatever was left on the roll was now on the floor, in the toilet, and wrapped around them.
- On the way back to the car the first one decided they actually do have to go potty.
- Once I got everyone in the car, the baby had a blowout.
7. I have baby vom up in my hair.
I didn't notice right away but found it later. You can't just wipe the smell of sour milk out of anything with a wet wipe, so it took a careful and creative way of using the right amount of shampoo and water to spot clean.
8. I have to change because I had poop on my shirt.
9. Someone got hungry.
Because no one ate breakfast. They were too busy playing in the garage and trying to creatively put their legs through the correct trouser leg holes.
10. I forgot you were having a thing.
I never remember what day it is anymore. Most days I don't even remember to brush my teeth until 9:30 p.m. You're lucky I can remember who you are because on a good day I can't even keep my kids' names straight.
So, now that I'm here, and your thing is over, we can call it coffee or a play date. I know you don't have kids, but you have a few pillows. Those are kind of like kids, right?
This article was republished with the kind permission of Christina Antus. You can read more from Christina on her blog The Mediocre Housewife and you can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
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