"Lactating would become a competition between men.. Men would compete to see how much breast milk they could hold and for how long. The more you can hold, the more masculine you are."
Sounds like something from a dystopian novel? Well you wouldn't be far off. A group of Californian teens imagined what the world would be like if men could lactate and women couldn't.
The amusing - but thought-provoking - essay was written as part of an assignment for their English class, after teacher Beth Stafford asked the 17-year-olds to read the feminist text "If Men Could Menstruate" and write their own satirical pieces.
Speaking to Babble.com, Stafford said: "I thought it was hilarious and spot on!
"I was surprised by how insightful they were and it made me feel like teenagers actually understand what I, as a working and breastfeeding mother, am going through."
The essay, in full, read:
If men could lactate:
What would happen if suddenly men could lactate and women could not?
Lactating would become a competition between men of all ages and races. Men would compete to see how much breast milk they could hold and for how long. The more you can hold, the more masculine you are.
The media would treat the subject openly, such as Brad Titt starring in “Moneyboob.” Boys would brag about how far they could fire their breast milk during school, and breast milk would become a weapon in video games.
Some women would alter their breasts to carry breast milk, in order to feel equal to men. Men would boast about how many babies they could breast feed at once, and breastfeeding in public would be encouraged. Men would convince women that breast milk is more valuable than milk from animals.
Men would create slang such as “he’s a two-pump-man” and “he’s a pumping machine.” Babies would favor their fathers because of the lactosey goodness of their creamy breast milk.
Men would bring their babies to the workplace and it wouldn’t be a distraction.
A small group of men, the “A-T-O” or the “anti-titty-organization” would protest to ban breastfeeding in public.
Overall, if men could lactate, they would be praised for nurturing their children, even if it’s distracting to the public eye.