You've always known that nobody's perfect but since becoming a mum you're worried you're testing the limits of imperfection. Is it normal to wee when you watch a funny exchange on Take Me Out or to eat day-old leftovers you find behind the toaster? You can't imagine Blake Lively will turn into the person you've become...
But guess what? She probably will. Because motherhood isn't just about exhaustion and all-encompassing love, there's a big change of standards too. But understand, while you're worrying about just what kind of an harassed harridan you've turned into, all other mums are feeling - or doing - the same... And you're really not as bad as you think!
1. Toddler Tourettes
You will suddenly notice you mutter 'please shut up' under your breathe repeatedly like a crazy person. Add a 'f$&@' in the middle on occasion - probably when your child is screaming in traffic or has bellowed 'Nooooooooo' in your face for the 1,000th time.
2. The Death Stare
You will develop the ability to melt ice with one raised eyebrow and an insincere smile. This will be aimed mostly at your husband, although your mother and mother-in-law are likely victims too. Who can expect to question a mother about what she's feeding her child when she hasn't slept for a week and not expect to get a filthy look?
You know it's wrong but you will honestly believe your child is the most beautiful, intelligent, gifted, witty creature to ever grace the planet. So what if he won't share, eat vegetables or sleep through the night - he's just expressing himself. With a brilliant brain comes sacrifices.
4. Asymmetrical Assets
Despite declaring you don't care, you'll secretly hanker after a boob job. Pregnancy and nursing has left you with one significantly jauntier and bigger breast than the other and not even a highly-patterned pussy bow tie blouse can disguise it.
5. The M Diet Plan
While pretending to be interested in juicing, organic fruit and the benefits of a macrobiotic regime, your diet actually consists of cold fish fingers, humous straight from the tub and peanut butter by the spoon. Protein is a thing now, though right?
6 Truck that!
You can now distinguish between a digger, a crane and a tractor... And can perfectly mimic the sounds of all emergency vehicles. This is a talent - when you were young and wild - you never wished for on any level.
7. A Bum Deal
You have piles in the bottom area. They remind you of those purple plastic bunches of grapes you see hanging from the ceiling in cheesy Italian trattorias. You can no longer face microwaved lasagna or focaccia in such an establishment.
8. Wee Machine
You now pee your pants a little if you laugh too hard, drink too much or jump too high. Expect to leave a puddle if you ever raucously leap on to a trampoline at a summer fete after a glass of Pimm's.
9. Gratitude Attitude
You are thankful for things in a new way. Not deep and meaningful stuff your childless friends are - like sunsets, inner peace and Elgar. You're happy to go to the loo on your own, finish a cup of tea while it's still warm and to be wearing a clean T shirt. And you know how tragic this makes you.
10. Guilt Trip
Your baby will roll off the bed. You'll tell people and they'll say 'no worries, it happens to everyone.' Then it happens again, so you stay silent and convince yourself that any behavioural problems they have in their teen years will stem from that second unguarded 10 seconds. (They won't).
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