COMEDY

The 39 Steps To Being A Country Life Writer

04/11/2015 14:48 GMT | Updated 04/11/2015 14:59 GMT
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Four friends having a picnic

Lifestyle magazine Country Life recently published two articles which have caused a bit of a stir.

First, they discussed what it means to be a man, with incredibly reductive points like "is not vegetarian" and "can sail a boat and ride a horse".

They then went on to insult women everywhere with their points on what it means to be a lady, such as "excels at making love, lasagne and long gin and tonics", "can paunch a rabbit, pluck a pheasant and gut a fish, but allows men the privilege" and "knows when to let a man think it’s his idea".

But what does it mean to be a Country Life writer?

A country life writer...

  1. Must harbour outdated stereotypes and consider them to be absolute.
  2. Always makes a sandwich when a man wants one, if female.
  3. Always opens a jar or fixes the plumbing, if male.
  4. Must buy a watch and turn it back 30 years.
  5. Must be able to shake off the urge to write proper articles in favour of meaningless clicks.
  6. Knows when to leave a byline blank if their article is offensive to 50% of the general public.
  7. Always acts twee.
  8. Always drinks several "long gin and tonics" before pitching or writing.
  9. Must be able to come up with fluff for lists when struggling to reach the number given by the editor.
  10. Owns a pen.
  11. Owns an apron that says 'down with women's lib'.
  12. Thinks making a decent omelette is more important than treating people with respect.
  13. Doesn't know when not to say anything.
  14. Considers being out of touch with the modern world to be a cause for pride.
  15. Doesn't go on holiday anywhere British Airways doesn't fly.
  16. Doesn't know what "inner city" means.
  17. Thinks going on the dole is something you do after university for a bit of extra champagne money.
  18. Went to a recognised private school, and certainly not one of those povvo grammar schools.
  19. Owns enough tweed to clothe a small county.
  20. Doesn't know what a tax credit is.
  21. Drives a car with a gun rack.
  22. Thinks it's important to know the difference between lilac and mauve.
  23. Thinks the solution to everything is a £70 bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
  24. Shops at Waitrose, or M&S if they fancy rubbing elbows with the plebeians.
  25. Would not go to Sunderland.
  26. Is genuinely shocked when they hear someone has never been skiing.
  27. Can prepare a one-article shitstorm.
  28. Is good with waiters, because they grew up with a team of them in the house.
  29. Doesn't understand how people live without eating venison at least once a week.
  30. Has a bathroom bigger than the average council flat.
  31. Drinks gin and tonics because they're so frightfully in right now.
  32. Doesn't know what RyanAir is.
  33. Is certain a ray of sunlight has been spotted shining out of his/her bottom.
  34. Owns several pairs of wellies.
  35. Knows what "matriculation" means.
  36. Played lacrosse at school.
  37. Can tie a bow tie and does so on a regular basis.
  38. Has a different Barbour jacket for every occasion.
  39. Kills small animals for fun.

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