THE BLOG

I Think My Husband's Trying To Impregnate Me

03/02/2016 12:27 GMT | Updated 02/02/2017 10:12 GMT

I've become increasingly alarmed by my husband's behavior recently.

Indeed he is usually a sweet, charming, generally all-round gem of a human being (annoyingly perfect, really). But something has changed recently...and I think I know why.

My evidence is fast stacking up.

You don't believe me?

The man just took me to see Beauty & The Beast, The Musical.

THE MUSICAL!

The same man who only a mere few months ago refused point blank to go with me to see Robbie Williams, even if I paid!

The affection, too. How do I handle such a thing? I scuffle around in my joggers with zero make-up and my hair scrunched up, and he tells me I look beautiful.

BEAUTIFUL!

Do I? I don't think so. I'm confused!

Are there support groups for things like this?

Then there is the caring consideration and kindness. Yes, feeling a bit gross and snotty full of cold over the weekend, he comes over and gives me a little foot massage before putting socks on my feet so I "don't get cold".

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HUSBAND?!

I can feel it. The charm factor has been turned full throttle. I know where it stems from. And I don't know if I am strong enough to resist it.

It started a few weeks ago you see, when our friends brought their newborn round.

Tiny and precious and beautiful, we admired her dotingly.

It was then that I saw it. In my husband's eye.

The glint.

The sparkle.

That terrifying twinkle that silently conveyed he's ready for another baby.

ANOTHER BABY!!!!

I am barely holding it together with one toddler, let alone throwing a baby into the mix!

Laugh it off, I thought. Ha ha ha.

And dammit, try to not look too maternal and completely in love with the sleeping angelic newborn as your toddler digs up the tomato plants and throws them at the cat!

"Let's try, in like, maybe a year or something" I reason later that evening...

"Ok sure. But if it happens before, it won't be the worst thing in the world..." he tails off

I laugh nervously while loading the dishwasher.

But the game is on.

I think my husband's trying to impregnate me!

I must protect my uterus at all cost.

It's not that I don't want more babies. I definitely definitely do. But, and this is a big but...it takes slightly more effort for the woman to bring a baby into the world than a man.

I have the glint too.

But I also carry the memories of 20+ week's pregnancy sickness, the fear and terror that the baby hasn't moved in a while, the excruciating pain of childbirth, and the not-even-remotely-funny soreness of engorged boobs and raw nipples from newborn breastfeeding!

I also thoroughly enjoy a nice glass of chilled crisp white the odd night (most nights) of the week.

I've also just started sleeping again, dammit!

So, to my darling husband, yes, one day soon. But now? No effing way. You keep that thing away from me. Absolutely no. Back off mate.

NO WAY!

Not just yet, sweetheart.

Na-ah.

Soon, maybe.

His reply?

"Maybe in the Maldives..."

We go to the Maldives in six weeks...

For more from Abbey, visit her blog The Son And The Moon, and follow her on Facebook to check out her daily updates from life in the sandpit